there are things i'd like to do that you don't believe in...

"...i'd like to build something, but you'll never see it happen..."

i'm up later than i have been in days, and while i'm waiting for my sleep aides to kick in and offer some relief, i'm sitting here feeling rather guilty about something...

my knees have been killing me all day. the kind of hurt that burns throughout my body and makes me sick to my stomach; the kind of hurt that eventually becomes all i can think about and concentrate on. normally i would pop a painkiller or two, or three, and numb out the pain, as well as the rest of my body and mind, without really giving it a second thought.

however, today has been a bit different.

today, as with most days, i woke up with a small amount of pain that gradually grew worse throughout the day. by the time i got to work, the pain was moderate, but still at the point to where i was able to ignore it with some success. before leaving for work i was considering taking something to head off the pain (with the added bonus of allowing me to zone out at work), but decided against it for some reason or another. however, it was when i actually got to work that it was pointed out to me just how much the meds actually effect my work. thursday, throughout the afternoon and into the evening i had taken a bunch of stuff for various reasons, and apparently in doing so, had forgotten to do some stuff at the lab that would normally have been like second nature for me to do. i honestly don't remember much of what i *did* do, so it really doesn't surprise me that i forgot things. but then i heard myself when kelley told me what i'd forgotten to do, and the excuse that came out of my mouth was probably deserving of a slap, though it didn't receive one.
i dunno...it just sucks, because i really do love my job, and i try to treat the lab like it's mine and my responsibility and stuff. hell, there have been saturdays where i've left thinking i did everything, and then at 9p.m. i'll remember i forgot to lock a cabinet or turn off a light, and i've driven back up there to fix it! i don't like feeling like i didn't do my job, especially since it's not as though they ask much of me in the first place.

anyway...it's not really a big deal...i just felt/feel badly about it, and i hope i didn't really frustrate or upset kelley. i cleaned the entire lab today to try and make up for it. and i didn't take a single pain killer throughout the day, until about two hours ago where the pain got to the point of being absolutely unbearable.

i should get going to bed. it's after 2a.m. and rob and i have to be at the realtor's office at 10:30a.m. to go look at some houses. i'm really excited about it, but i won't be so happy when my alarm starts going off in less than 8 hours. bleh. alrighty. sorry for the rambling, just needed to empty my mind. night all! have a great weekend!

=e