wave of mutilation...

so i've kind of had it. with just about everything.

i've been giving some consideration to the relationships i have with people, and i've come to some conclusions. it seems as though everyone around me has paired off into their own little groups, none of which am i involved in. and so there i stand in the middle of this circle, surrounded by all of these off-shoots of friendships or relationships or what have you. so there i am, this pillar of one in the middle, and it's just me. oh sure, i'm a great place of refuge for when shit goes wrong in the lives of those around me, but otherwise i don't seem to be worthy of much more than small talk, and the occasional hug.
i would not see most of the people i call my "friends" if i didn't either work with them, or run into them at work. there are no invitations to hang out, no movies or get togethers unless i organize them myself, at which point it's all the pairs together, and me still feeling very alone amongst the group.
then there's rob...people mistake us for a couple all the time, but we couldn't be farther from it. everyone assumes that he counts as my partner in crime...my other half in my own little "pair", if you will, but he's not. we live together, and that's about it. hell, we're around each other so much, it makes actually hanging out nearly impossible, and rarely enjoyable.

i don't know. i'm probably over-thinking things, as i have a tendency to do. but all i know is how i feel, and this feeling of being alone sucks. i'm tired of always feeling like the third wheel, or as though it's a job to hang out with me. i'm sure this says something about me...maybe i'm too much of a pain in the ass. maybe i'm not as good of a friend as i thought i was, or as i strive to be. i try, but i always seem to end up back here, in this place of hurt. it's all very high school...i know. it's all quite pathetic.
i haven't gotten out of my pj's all day. i've been up a total of four and a half hours today, with a four hour nap thrown in there. it's now 8p.m. and i'm trying to decide if i want to bother with taking a shower, and trying to venture into the world at all today, or if i would rather just say fuck it, take a handful of pills and go back to sleeping away the world for as long as possible. currently, the latter of the two is sounding more ideal. i don't know, i'll try to give it an hour and see how it goes i guess.

by the way, if you're not someone that currently holds a physical place in my day to day or week to week life, then this does not apply to you. i would hate for the one person who has made me smile recently to think this was about her.