i get knocked down, but i get up again...

this past week was all over the place...

it started out kind of slow; monday was real slow because i don't even remember it really; tuesday i had lunch with jen and we stuffed ourselves and had a blast; then at some point during tuesday, or maybe it happened before then and just didn't kick in till late tuesday, but either way, i sprained the fuck out of my knee; so then wednesday and thursday i spent on crutches till my arms just couldn't take it anymore; friday i toughed it out at work (and by toughing it out i mean, i took a lot of painkillers and double braced my knee); thursday and friday i spent the entire time i was at work printing photographs so i would have something to hang tuesday...

that brings us to today...which i kept thinking was sunday all day, but in fact was saturday, and turned out to be a very productive day. i got my mats measured and cut for my pictures! all that's left to do now is put together frames and get it all together and ready to be hung. i also went to half priced books and hobby lobby in order to pick up supplies for a project i've been working on. once i get kelley's done and given to her, i'll tell more about it.
oh wait...no i can't do that...i have to wait till jen gets back from her trip and she gets hers too. speaking of which, jen's gone all week, and david (my lab boss) has surgery on wednesday, so i'm thinking work this week is going to be very very boring. poor david...i do not envy him at all. he's having back surgery, or more specifically, he's having his spine drilled out basically. ick...just the thought makes me a bit nauseous!

oh! and i almost forgot the best part of this weekend! tomorrow (sunday) night, i get to go see bob saget live!!! i am so freaking excited! if you have never seen his stand up, you are probably thinking i'm insane for wanting to see "that guy from full house" live, but seriously, you have no idea. go to his site (linked above), and then go rent the movie 'the aristocrats'. perhaps then you will have a greater appreciation, and more importantly, large amounts of envy, for what i'm going to get to see!

anyway. i'm going to work on my project a little longer, and then hit the hay i spose. hope everyone's having a great weekend.

much love,
=e

updated feelings...

it helps when you actually talk...
picture from: explodingdog.com

i don't sleep, i dream...

what the hell is wrong with me? it's well after 2a.m. and i cannot sleep for the life of me! argh. this is getting old.

my brain works better at night, but the rest of me doesn't function very well...what i mean is, i can do all the artsy fartsy stuff i do better at night, but i'm incapable of actually being useful during these hours.

i used to be a newspaper courier, and i thought it was the best job ever. i worked tuesday through saturday, from midnight till whenever i got done with all five of my routes, which was usually around 5 or so in the morning. i figured, hey, i'm a night person, and i love to drive, so surely this is the job for me. and it was, for a good while...i loved it...the freedom is offered was great, and the pay wasn't shabby either. then i fell asleep driving one night...well, actually it had happened before, but this time was different...i slammed into a curb (and luckily only a curb) and busted my car up real good. and that was that.

for a second there i forgot what my point was...

anyway...yeah, so here i am, up in the wee hours of the morning, and what am i doing? typing this crap! i did just finish a large painting that i'm quite happy with, but i guess my brain decided that wasn't enough to get it to shut down for the night. it's as though my mind has something it's trying to figure out, or something it wants to say or tell me...i'm not sure...regardless, the noise won't stop just because i turn out the lights.

so i guess i am off to take something so i can at least fit in a few hours of sleep. i keep hoping exhaustion will catch up with me, but it never seems to find its way.

hope everyone else is sleeping great and having wonderful dreams. night!

=e

you can climb a ladder up to the sun...

updated the look of this thing...just got tired of trying to find the right color combo for the old layout, so i thought i'd just do something simple for a change. i don't know if it'll stick around for long, but it'll work for now. mainly, i was just bored and looking for something to do.

i don't know what's going on, but i'm a bit fucky right now. there's this underlying uneasiness about me. too much stress i'm sure. oh well, that's life i suppose.

you know how sometimes just the right song will come on at just the right time to say exactly what you're feeling when you can't? that just happened. pandora (which if you don't know what that is, i'll add a link when i'm done here) decided to play "talk" by coldplay.

"Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me"

yeah...

okay anyway. i guess i should get off my ass and try to accomplish something today. can't be a bum all my life, can i? yeah...later.

=e

wow...

holy shit i'm really fucking drunk...

fantastic...

wonderful...

lovely...

i'm going to beat jen up for leaving these damn cheesey pretzel things over here...the more i eat, the thirstier i am, and the more i drink...but they're so damn good! ha!

okay...that is all.

wonderful...

=e

a picture of my feelings...

titled: "i want to leave this place for good"
found at: explodingdog.com

i was central, i had control, i lost my head, i need this, i, need, this...

i am at a complete loss for words.

currently, i am sitting in the office at the lab. i've only been here two hours. i'm waiting on two prints to finish washing so i can throw them on the screens and leave, while simultaneously trying to restrain myself from going in there and ripping them to shreds; it would be the only satisfactory feeling i could get from them anyway. they are shit. both are too light, but that's not really my concern.

no, the fact that i can't get anything in focus, that's where the problem lies.

first i thought, or assummed it was my enlarger, so i switched. but when that one started "slipping" out of focus too, and my temper started to flare, i was at a loss for what was happening. then, accidentally, i came across the problem. somehow or another, when i go to focus my print, i can get part of the frame in complete focus, but the other parts will remain blurry. how the hell does that happen?

most likely it's an issue with my negatives, or more specifically my camera. great...an entire project, an entire trip, an entire 14 rolls gone to waste.

fuck it...i'm done with this shit. i'm just fucking done.

i had too much to drink, and i didn't think, i didn't think of you...

i'm a wee bit tipsy still, and thus, a bit belligerent so bear with me...

do you ever have those defining moments in your life, where you can go back to a certain situation and clearly pick out the exact moment something changed the entire thing? i realized tonight, i have had one of those moments concerning a few relationships in present life. relationships that have changed, for the better or worse i do not know, or maybe just don't wish to recognize, but still, ones that nonetheless have changed; and i can trace those changes back to a specific moment...a specific time where something happened and something was said or done...not always just one specific thing, but sometimes an entire domino effect of occurrences.

okay, now i'm just rambling.

i don't know what to do about it. i don't know how to make things better, or make them right, or change them again in some other way to set them on some different course.

it's not the change the scares or bothers me...it's what that change has led, and will lead to...where it will steer those relationships...how they'll be shaped because of it, and the lost possibility of where they were originally headed. lament...i suppose.

sometimes being drunk helps...

moving through rough waters...

so for the past few days i've been debating on whether or not to remove my last two posts, or perhaps to post some sort of apology and explanation. then i realized something...

it's my blog, and i'll vent if i want to!

the truth is, i used to have a completely separate blog that i kept secret and hidden for venting similar feelings. it's been quite awhile since i deleted that blog and i'm just now getting to the point where i'm comfortable using this space for what i originally created and intended it for.

look, here's the thing...this is a place where i can, and will continue to choose to, be honest. if i go censoring myself for the sake of someones feelings, then i am not only lying to everyone, but i'm also not allowing myself something i rarely do anyway, which is to feel and express those feelings.

for those of you who may have had issues with my last couple posts, or any previous ones for that matter, feel free to take it up with me. i mean really...for those of you in my personal life, don't wait for me to come you about it. once i write it on here, i've said what i needed to say. that's kind of the point.

as for that post that sparked this particular entry...i've decided i'm just giving everyone space. seems to be the simplest and most effective solution to the whole situation. it was definitely reaffirming to find out that i wasn't the only one feeling that way, however, as i discovered after talking with a friend the next day. so see? if nothing else, it opened up a platform for communication. and i feel okay about that.

=e

Half a World Away...

This could be the saddest dusk
I've ever seen
Turn to a miracle
high alive
My mind is racing
As it always will
My hand is tired my heart aches
I'm half a world away here
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
Go it alone
Hold it along, and hold, hold

This lonely deep sit hollow
I'm half a world
Half the world away
My shoes are gone
My life spent
I had too much to drink
I didn't think
and I didn't think of you
I guess that's all I needed
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
Blackbirds backwards forwards and fall and hold hold

Oh this lonely world is wasted
Pathetic eyes high alive
blind to the tide that turns the sea
This storm it came up strong
it shook the trees
And blew away our fear
I couldn't even hear

To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
Blackbird backwards forwards and fall and hold hold

This could be the saddest dusk
I've ever seen
Turn to a miracle
high alive
My mind is racing
As it always will
My hands tired my heart aches
I'm half a world away and go...

-R.E.M.

to go with my previous post...

truly how i feel...




picture from explodingdog.com

wave of mutilation...

so i've kind of had it. with just about everything.

i've been giving some consideration to the relationships i have with people, and i've come to some conclusions. it seems as though everyone around me has paired off into their own little groups, none of which am i involved in. and so there i stand in the middle of this circle, surrounded by all of these off-shoots of friendships or relationships or what have you. so there i am, this pillar of one in the middle, and it's just me. oh sure, i'm a great place of refuge for when shit goes wrong in the lives of those around me, but otherwise i don't seem to be worthy of much more than small talk, and the occasional hug.
i would not see most of the people i call my "friends" if i didn't either work with them, or run into them at work. there are no invitations to hang out, no movies or get togethers unless i organize them myself, at which point it's all the pairs together, and me still feeling very alone amongst the group.
then there's rob...people mistake us for a couple all the time, but we couldn't be farther from it. everyone assumes that he counts as my partner in crime...my other half in my own little "pair", if you will, but he's not. we live together, and that's about it. hell, we're around each other so much, it makes actually hanging out nearly impossible, and rarely enjoyable.

i don't know. i'm probably over-thinking things, as i have a tendency to do. but all i know is how i feel, and this feeling of being alone sucks. i'm tired of always feeling like the third wheel, or as though it's a job to hang out with me. i'm sure this says something about me...maybe i'm too much of a pain in the ass. maybe i'm not as good of a friend as i thought i was, or as i strive to be. i try, but i always seem to end up back here, in this place of hurt. it's all very high school...i know. it's all quite pathetic.
i haven't gotten out of my pj's all day. i've been up a total of four and a half hours today, with a four hour nap thrown in there. it's now 8p.m. and i'm trying to decide if i want to bother with taking a shower, and trying to venture into the world at all today, or if i would rather just say fuck it, take a handful of pills and go back to sleeping away the world for as long as possible. currently, the latter of the two is sounding more ideal. i don't know, i'll try to give it an hour and see how it goes i guess.

by the way, if you're not someone that currently holds a physical place in my day to day or week to week life, then this does not apply to you. i would hate for the one person who has made me smile recently to think this was about her.

the rain outside my window is a reminder of the time...

tonight i did something i haven't done in awhile...i went out driving for a bit, alone, just to clear my head.
with gas being nearly $4 a gallon, it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but i think i needed it. even though it's only monday, it already feels like a long week and i'm afraid it's only going to get worse. this working the late shift at the lab thing really sucks.

anyway...i've got a lot on my mind right now, as well as a lot on my plate, while still not being as busy as i would like to be all at the same time. i figure the busier i am, the less time i will have to think about things, which, in turn, means the less of a chance of allowing my mind time to bend itself all out of shape again. so far...it hasn't been working as well as i would like for it to, but i'm trying.

the shit part is...it's now 2:30a.m. and i'm still up. fucking insomnia. thought i had it whipped...thought i had a lot of shit whipped. meh. anyway. i'm gonna go take something and go to bed. goodnight all.

=e

badgers can be choosers...

so the eddie izzard show was pretty good. minus the stress beforehand...and after...and the smelly usher guy. other than all of that, it was fun. i will say that his older stuff is funnier, and that i could have done without the political agenda. there were a few really great moments, though, such as when he pulled out his iphone to look up shirley temple on wikipedia. a completely spontaneous moment that ate up between 5 and 10 minutes of the opening part of his act. good stuff.

last night i had a get together here at my place where rock band and the card game apples to apples were enjoyed (as well as a bit of drinking i might add :) good times with good friends...i need more of that in my life methinks. and while something did go a bit awry at the very end of the night (of which the specifics still remain unclear to me), i think an overall good time was had by all. at least i hope so, as i would like to try and keep this a monthly thing, if at all possible.

as far as the rest of life goes, things are about to start getting back to normal. i've had a good two weeks off of school and work, which has been nice as it's given me the chance to get a lot of shit done that i have been putting off for awhile now. it's amazing how productive i can be when "life" doesn't get in my way! but alas, tomorrow (or today, technically, since it's after midnight) starts a new week, and one which will require me to start a bit of a different schedule.

work starts on monday, and it seems that for the rest of the summer i'll be working nights at the lab. bleh. on the one hand i don't mind, as i get paid to do it, and it's not as though it's strenuous work. however, i have just gotten back into the habit of cooking dinner, and winding down which allows me to sleep better. i'm a bit concerned that working till 9p.m. is going to throw me off a bit, but i'm hoping to find ways of working around it. i also start a fitness class at the rec. center on monday at 10a.m. it's a hydropeutics class, which is basically water therapy for those of us with joints that act much older than our age. my doctor has recommended it as perhaps an aide in my knee, hips and back issues. he wants me to go to a specialist, but having no health insurance pretty much makes that an impossibility. so we're going to try this, and hope it offers some relief. it's an hour every monday, wednesday and friday for the next month. we shall see...

anyway. on that note, i think i'm going to have to call it a night. i haven't stayed up this late in awhile, and i'm starting to feel it. plus i've gotta start getting myself up and moving in the mornings, so i figure i should start tomorrow.
hope everyone is having a good weekend. much love to all.

=e

SWEET!!!!!!

that's right bitches! i'm going to see Eddie Izzard tonight!!!

just had to share...have a good one!

=e