gay i'm not...

this is fantastic...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCxDZRJKkqY

the bridges we cross...

the past few days have been all over the place. i've had a lot going on, both in life and personally, and i realized last night that i was beyond stressed and just kind of going from one thing to the next with very little thought or consideration to the things going on around me.

last night i seemed to come to a place that i have not been in a some time now. i'm very content with my life right now, and i only see things moving forward and becoming whatever they are going to become. i've been here for awhile now, i just didn't realize it til last night when i actually had the time to breathe and ponder.

there is so much i want to do with my life, and i can do it all. the tough part is finding a way, but it doesn't make it impossible. no, that's just life. if you don't have to work for it, then it probably isn't worth it, and i want my life to be worth something. it doesn't mean i will never have to fight my own demons again or that i won't feel discouraged and even defeated at times. no, this isn't the 'fix' i've been searching for. this just means that i have come to a place where i'm going to live my life and create the things i want to create either in spite of those times, or inspired by those times. either way, though, i'm done being stuck.

xoxox
=e

i have a new love...

turkey dogs. they're so gooooooooooood!
i know, completely random.

anyway.

i'm so exhausted today for some reason. i ended up going to bed fairly early (for me) last night, and woke up later than normal but i'm dragging. i was having such a hard time staying awake in class this morning, and then i came home and crashed out for a bit.

well, i should go work on my paper and do some reading before i go to kickboxing. later!

=e

for best results, stick it in the fridge...

vitamin water has instructions...yeah...

today was a good day. class this morning was cancelled, so after staying up really late working on that paper and then getting up really early to head to the school and print it out, i ended up getting the entire morning off. it was a really nice surprise, and i took full advantage of the unexpected abundance of time i found on my hands. i went and got the oil changed in my car, finally, and then ran a couple of miscellaneous errands. i also finally got signed up for defensive driving for this saturday. sean talked me into taking one of those stupid lunch courses with him since he needs to do it also. i left the decision of which one to take up to him, and now i'm regretting that decision oh so much. he's decided to torture me with the 'comedy' lunch defensive driving course. oh goody. so from 10-4 this saturday, i will be sitting in a resturaunt with his punk ass, learning all the wonderful rules of the road us little good children are supposed to abide by. i'm thrilled... :P

i should probably be working on that paper some more, but i am so exhausted right now. a bit part of me just wants to shut down now and call it a night, but then there's the responsible adult in me that knows i can't do that.

unfortunately my friend with cancer starts chemo this week. major suckage on the one hand, but i'm glad (and so is she) that things are at least advancing and she's not just having to wait around wondering what's going to happen and when. the faster this shit gets taken care of the better. she's too young to be dealing with all of this in the first place.

*sigh*...ok, well i need to get some stuff done and try to head to bed early. i have class in the morning and kickboxing tomorrow night, maybe followed by movie night so i can't be dragging my ass tomorrow. have a great week all!

xox
=e

in a shade painted green...

sunday's typically get the best of me. i think it's because i do everything i need to do the rest of the week, so when sunday comes around, i've run out of things to do and get bored and lazy. rob typically uses sunday's to get some of his own stuff done, and the kitties usually sleep all day, leaving me to find my own means of entertainment. sometimes that's painting or cleaning, or just chilling out playing video games, but today has been pretty slow and unproductive.

so far today i have almost completed the hard stage of guitar hero I and II, as well as sorted through and organized the mass of photos i've had laying around for a few months. i guess that's productive in some sense, so i can't really feel too badly about that. :)

i still need to do some studying for my gov. II class and begin writing my paper also. i have to pick a position on two social issues and two economic issues and then figure out which political party i identify the most with. *yaaawn* we chose our topics last thursday and i went with energy and transportation issues for economic, and human rights and homosexuality/gay marriage for social issues. easy enough. now it's just finding the motivation to actually write the shit out. i figure that will come around 1 a.m. tonight or so.

as for the rest of my life, not much is happening really. i'm registered for all my fall courses which ended up being 13 hours worth. two of my courses are online though, so it should be easy. plus, i only actually go to class monday thru wednesday, so i get a four day weekend which kicks ass. and those classes are all evening courses too which will make getting a job a hell of a lot easier. i'm still going to do the substituting thing, assuming i get all the paperwork finished up and turned in, but i think i'll probably go ahead and look for something a bit more concrete. we'll see, i may just try and take it easy this semester so i can get finished up and look at transferring in the spring.
i'm still in debate on where that's actually going to be to though. i have it narrowed down to two schools: TAMU-C and TWU. both are good schools, and both have their advantages and draw-backs.

TAMU-C means that i would move into my own house in greenville, thus not having to pay rent or anything, and being able to live alone and have pets. however, that means living in greenville, and probably having to work there too...ick. plus, TAMU-C is a fairly large school, and i don't really like the campus. not to mention, what i wouldn't be paying in rent would end up being spent on gas since the school is actually thirty minutes outside of greenville.

on the other hand, TWU is a much smaller campus and the class sizes are comparable to those i have at quad-C. it also will accept all of my credits, i believe, and has a good reputation for education and art majors. it's a nice diverse school. however, the problem there is that it's about 45 minutes to an hour from where i currently live, which means i would most likely have to move closer, or bite the bullet and make the drive a couple times a week. neither really sounds appealing, but both beat living in greenville in my opinion. :)

anyway...just thinking out loud. i've got a month or so to figure it out, so no worries. i think i'm going to go heat up some queso and enjoy that while i play some guitar hero for a bit. have a great week!

xox,
=e

*****on a side note, the band nickel creek is cool, or at least what i've heard is good. so are the good luck joes.*****

time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go...

yesterday i actually had a fairly busy and productive day, aside from the fact that i was so sore, and had a knot in my right calf that made walking something of a task.
the day started off with me getting up at 8:15a.m. in order to make it the movie theater early enough to stand in line and see the new harry potter movie with a couple of friends. luckily it wasn't too crowded and the movie was actually pretty good, though it was a bit long. it was definitely better than the last one which i felt was just too choppy and thrown together feeling.
anyway, after that i went to have lunch with rob, deposit a check, and buy shoes that are more suitable kickboxing class. with all of that accomplished i came home and went to the apartment office to talk to the manager about the leak in our roof and the issue with people still being at the pool at 1a.m. also, i had to pick up my package i was expecting that had my new seamless piercing rings in it. i've now gauged my nose and cartiledge piercings from a 16g down to an 18g. kind of sad about the nose being gauged down, but it makes it a heck of a lot easier to find clear retainers so i can hide it for a job better. the seamless rings are cool, as long as you get them pressed back together tightly. otherwise they have a tendancy to catch inside the piercing hole and that can kind of hurt.
as for today, i was good and went to class this morning. seems as though i didn't really miss much yesterday anyway, and what i did miss, i was able to bullshit my way through and came out sounding smart anyway. oh yeah...i'm awesome.
now i'm just doing laundry and reading over some stuff for class before i go to my kickboxing class tonight. that knot is still in my calf and hurting like a motivator, but i'm going to go to at least get a bit of a work out. plus it will probably help stretch the muscle out and relax it a bit. let's hope at least.
i think i may go take a nap now, however, and stop this rambling. hope your week is going as well as mine!

much love,
=e

kickboxing is awesome, but...

it's only 12:30a.m. and i'm tuckered out. i don't think i've been to bed this early in quite awhile. however, to bed i must go.
getting up early to see the new harry potter movie, and i have a feeling i'm going to be moving a bit slow tomorrow. so i think i could probably use all the sleep i can get. with that said...night!

=e

whew...

you know when you were a kid and something so great would happen that you could hardly contain yourself? that's how i feel right now...more on that another time though.
currently, though, i'm about to head to the apple store clear across town so i can pick up my replacement battery for my macbook pro. since i bought it in february it came with one of the defective batteries, and of course when i went to get it swapped last week they didn't bother to check ahead of time to see if they actually had any in stock. they are called apple 'genius' right? right...
anyway. so off to do that, then go up to the photo lab to see kelley and make sure she's still doing ok, maybe make some contact sheets while i'm there, and then to kickboxing class. tonight's the first night of class, so i'm really excited and a bit anxious. which reminds me i need to run to the atm while i'm out so i can pay the instructor for the gloves, wraps and mouthguard.
i'm having a really good day. i know shit has been up and down a lot lately, but overall life is fantastic, and it's all gonna work itself out.

we are lost 'til we are found...

argh...my last day of freedom...gone. how very sad.
tomorrow, or technically later today, i start my summer II course in texas government. i'm overwhelmed with joy, can't you tell?
...yeah...
anyway.
yesterday rob and i finally got to go out and play catch for a bit. it was fun, but the humidity meant we were extremely exhausted and sweaty by the end of it. of course we're both sore today too, but it was fun all the same. afterwards we had the best burgers and it was a nice finish to a good afternoon.

other than that, not much else is going on. i'm stressing over which online english course to take. ya know, that's a really big downside to being afflicted with borderline personality disorder. you give me more than two options and i'm screwed. i have to over-analyze and over-complicate every decision making sure i know every intricate detail of every possible option, and make sure that i'm making the right decision. even then it's very unlikely that i will get a decision made until the last second, and when i do finally make my decision it's not based on any information, but rather on gut instinct.
hell, sometimes even two options is too many.
there comes a time in one's life when you have to admit that you are, at least, just a little bit crazy, and i, my friends, am just a little bit crazy.

with all of that said, i think i should log off now. i doubt it will be to sleep, but who knows. i suppose there's always a chance.
night all.

=e

and now, a song...

"C'mon" by the GoStation

Do you love to love the night life
Wish under the stars
I know the place to be

And you can dance til your feet are sore
And drink til you're lovin some more
Wear your heart on your sleeve

Go on and bite your nails
With ladies who lunch on weekdays
Swallow what you want to say

Won't you take off all those clothes
Throw away what's old
And do a little living in the rain

Soaking up the tears around you
Wishing for another dream
While the flash bulbs paint your skies

All these streets are turning their backs
You think you're at your last chance
To jump and see if you can fly

Where you are is nowhere
The people always know your name
And it's hard to shrug that off

Won't you take off all those clothes
Throw away what's old
And do a little living in the rain
So you can pass out on your shores
Blow away the smoke
And feel a little more than useless pain
The sidewalks of the city are too insane

So c'mon...

Won't you take off all those clothes
Throw away what's old
And do a little living in the rain
So you can pass out on your shores
Blow away the smoke
And feel a little more than useless pain
The sidewalks of the city are too insane

have i mentioned that...

i absolutely hate the fourth of july? because i do...a lot. not because of what it stands for, but because of all the noise and idiots that feel the need to make their presence known. really...i could do without it.

then again, i could do without a lot, so i guess that's not really saying much.

anyway.

my plans for tonight? well it's already 11p.m. and i just got done watching the movie 'constantine' with rob while the kitties ran around having little heart-attacks due to all the firework booms surrounding the area. we made pasta for dinner and it was quite fantastic, and currently rob is cleaning up the kitchen, and i'm in here doing this and listening to good music. (gary jules atm)

from here i will probably proceed to get drunk, play some guitar hero, perhaps work on a painting, and, if i'm lucky, passing out some time around 3a.m.

and why am i not out and about on this "joyous" day of celebration? why am i not hanging with friends or family? well, for starters i wasn't really invited to anything, not that i would have gone anyway, but it would be nice to be asked once in awhile. aside from that, my relationships with the people in my life that actually are doing stuff are currently being re-evaluated. call it the loner or hermit in me, or hell, you can even call me a prude. doesn't make much difference to me, and won't change my opinions and beliefs of things.

eeee...i used the word 'beliefs'...eeee...i mean personal truths, not beliefs. now i feel all dirty. ick.

i've just begun, recently, to realize that there are mistakes that i have made over the past year or so regarding whom i've let close and whom i've released back into the world. no regrets, just lessons learned. or perhaps, lessons in the process of being learned.
i used to have a wall around me that protected me from the world, or more importantly, from people. somewhere along the way cracks appeared and began to grow, and eventually i ran out of mortar to patch it up with. however, i think i have found new supplies with which to build my wall and i'm beginning to, again, feel comfortable in that process of rebuilding.

i will be the first to say that i do not know what to believe in when it comes to fate and destiny versus making our own way, but i do know that mistakes do not happen for no reason at all.

=e

happy dance postponed due to continuous rainfall...

well, not much is goin on really.
i think i've been stressing about a lot of stuff lately, but just pushing it all down and ignoring it. my stomach has been killing me the past couple of days, so either it's stress or my appendix burst, and i already had the appendix thing taken care of, so...yeah...

anyway. i'm working on a couple of paintings, so that's helping a bit to chill me out. i just don't know what i'm stressing over. there's a lot of stuff going on right now and coming up in the next week or so, but i didn't think it was really on my mind that much. oh well...not much i can do about it really. kickboxing next week should start helping with getting stress out, so that's good.

in other news...well, there really isn't any other news, so i guess i'm gonna call it good for now.

later.

=e

my last week of freedom...

so today starts my very last week of having nothing to do before my summer II semester begins, as well as my kickboxing class. now that i'm finally signed up for it, i'm really looking forward to it. i think i made the right decision in doing it by myself and not having a friend do it with me. i think i'll probably get more out of it this way.

i've been in a very sports oriented mood lately. i pulled out my soccer ball today only to find that it was pretty much flat. so i went to walmart and bought a pump and put air in it. of course everywhere i could go play is completely flooded at this point, so there really wasn't any sense in doing it. i just really want to go out and play catch or kick the ball around. i want to spend time outside with someone who isn't going to die running around and playing with me.

fuck i miss being a kid.

this past week has been interesting to say the least. i mentioned in my last post that there was something i couldn't mention yet, however i think that it's okay now if i do. i found out last week that one of my good good friends has breast cancer. it was one of those things that completely catches you off-guard even if you knew there was a chance of it happening. i haven't been real emotional over the whole thing, partly because i'm usually the rock that my friends can depend on, and also because i honestly feel and believe that everything is going to be okay. i know it's going to suck for her getting to that okay point, but she'll get there, and she has a huge support system to lean on in the process.

in other news...i absolutely hate the fourth of july, and the days surrounding it. i am so sick of hearing fireworks and dealing with crowds of dumber than average people. i will be so glad when this holiday passes.

tomorrow i need to go to a different college and sign up for an online english course that i can't take at my school thanks to the repeat rule. it's not that i've failed it before or anything, i just dropped it twice before which makes it unavailable for me to take a third time. so aggravating! other than that, i can't say that i have too many plans for the week. then again, that's the way i think it should be.

alrighty, well i'm off. i think i'm going to play some guitar hero II and have a drink before heading to bed. have a great week all. much love.

=e