yours truely...

so it's 1a.m. now and i'm sitting in my recliner in my room under my loft bed, listening to great classical music, and waiting on a painting to dry so i can paint more, with booger curled up on some laundry that's on the floor beside me. all in all i would have to say this is how i wish every single moment of life could be. relaxing, calm, thoughtful, creative...above all, inspiring.
it's raining outside, and my rocker recliner sits right next to the window in my room so as i sit here i can hear the soft sounds of the rain between the crescendos of the background music. truely a soundtrack composed for this moment.

this moment can never be again. it has it's time now, and can never be recreated. a sad thought amongst the calm.

awhile back i decided to be reclusive yet again. people and life can be too much for me at times, and the only way i know to deal with it is, in fact, to not deal with any of it at all. i sequester myself, rarely venturing out into the world, and doing so only on an absolute need-to basis. i not only wall myself up by use of my surroundings, but i turn inward as well, walling up myself from the inside, out. i stop talking to most everyone, and on occasion start talking to random people that would otherwise just be a long lost part of my past, or that i would not think twice about.

i would love to go so far as to say that at these times, such as now, i have found inner-peace. however, i cannot say such and have it be true. no, the truth is, these moments in my life are usually filled with much self -evaluation, -critisism, and -ponderment. each time i find a few more pieces to the puzzle, but always feel as though it was never enough. i find myself struggling to complete a puzzle started 24 years ago, with missing key pieces and no picture to reference. not only that, it's as though the puzzle is flipped over, so i don't even truely have any idea as to what it looks like at all. what could it be? what will it look like when it's done? will it ever be finished? is there time enough to finish it?

my biggest fear is time. time is not our friend, yet we treat it as though it will always be there for us, like it's something we can trust. but you can't trust it.

there are a couple songs that have stuck with me recently. one is 'sparks' by coldplay. a song off their first album, it is a song filled with lyrics that i have felt on a few occassions. for the most part, they still apply. i suppose if they didn't, the song wouldn't be on my mind lately. the other is a song by blue october called 'what if we could'. the line that kills me from this song is, 'i'm glad to say that we've met, but i'm sad to say that the circumstances weren't on our side.' the person this line, and entire song, applies most to doesn't even like blue october, and yet the lyrics in this song are so fitting for how i feel about us. technically both songs express my emotions about that particular relationship.

it's 1:32, and i should probably be heading to bed. all of this thinking has made my head hurt. night all. sleep well, for tomorrow is a new day that will only exist once.

=e