stonewall e...

a lot of stuff has happened lately that has made me really stop and think and, most unfortunately, feel.

i'm not very accustomed to feeling.

i am, and have always been, the strong person. for my friends, my family, and most of all, for myself. i'm the person that everyone can count on not to freak out, or break down when something happens, big or small. i've dealt with a lot in my life, and so nothing really phases me. i take things for what they are, and move forward from there, usually being the voice of reason and comfort, as well as the ear of understanding. it's something i look at as being my job, and i'm damn good at it.

none of that is to say that i never have my moments of 'oh fuck'. i am human afterall. i just seem to have fewer than most people tend to have. things that people around me see as big deals, or crises or what have you, i see completely differently.

with all of that said, there have been two big things lately that have weakened that outter stone wall i have so meticulously built. the first was the double-murder/suicide involving wrestler chris benoit. not knowing the guy on any level aside from being a fan of his work, i was not really personally invested in his life, or death. however, the circumstances of the tragedy have really had an impact on how i view things and people right now. it's hard to explain clearly why and how it has effected me, but i just can't stop thinking about it.
the other thing i am not currently obliged to talk about, at least not yet, but it has definitely brought down a stone or two, or ten. more on that when i have the okay to talk about it. til then, i have to throw a bit of spackle up and hope it hardens in time for the next blow, whenever and whatever that may be.

anyway. i need to go fill out an application for substituting so i can go deliver that tomorrow. i'm also signing up for my kickboxing class as well. i finally just talked myself into doing it alone. i think it will be really good for me to do something like that without having to make someone do it with me. i can't just keep letting fear hold me back. so this is one small step in doing something about it...in a major kick ass kind of way :)

if your world starts falling apart around you, invest in a really big umbrella.

=e