a lot of stuff has happened lately that has made me really stop and think and, most unfortunately, feel.
i'm not very accustomed to feeling.
i am, and have always been, the strong person. for my friends, my family, and most of all, for myself. i'm the person that everyone can count on not to freak out, or break down when something happens, big or small. i've dealt with a lot in my life, and so nothing really phases me. i take things for what they are, and move forward from there, usually being the voice of reason and comfort, as well as the ear of understanding. it's something i look at as being my job, and i'm damn good at it.
none of that is to say that i never have my moments of 'oh fuck'. i am human afterall. i just seem to have fewer than most people tend to have. things that people around me see as big deals, or crises or what have you, i see completely differently.
with all of that said, there have been two big things lately that have weakened that outter stone wall i have so meticulously built. the first was the double-murder/suicide involving wrestler chris benoit. not knowing the guy on any level aside from being a fan of his work, i was not really personally invested in his life, or death. however, the circumstances of the tragedy have really had an impact on how i view things and people right now. it's hard to explain clearly why and how it has effected me, but i just can't stop thinking about it.
the other thing i am not currently obliged to talk about, at least not yet, but it has definitely brought down a stone or two, or ten. more on that when i have the okay to talk about it. til then, i have to throw a bit of spackle up and hope it hardens in time for the next blow, whenever and whatever that may be.
anyway. i need to go fill out an application for substituting so i can go deliver that tomorrow. i'm also signing up for my kickboxing class as well. i finally just talked myself into doing it alone. i think it will be really good for me to do something like that without having to make someone do it with me. i can't just keep letting fear hold me back. so this is one small step in doing something about it...in a major kick ass kind of way :)
if your world starts falling apart around you, invest in a really big umbrella.
=e
Friday, June 29, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
it's all fucking backwards and shit...
i'm on the verge of drunk right now, so bear with me.
i'm actually using my pc, not because anything's wrong with my mac, but because the stupid college website isn't set up for mac users. go figure. anyway...i keep going to the top left corner to close windows and stuff, but it's all on the top right side instead. very confusing.
it's kind of funny how things can change so much in a few years, but change so little also. i found shit that i wrote back in 2004 and i was complaining about the same shit i complain about today. money, work, school, life. kind of more sad than funny really. ah well...what's one to do.
i could write some full of myself bullshit post about how life gets better and you just have to find what works for you and run with it, but really i don't think shit ever changes. that's ok. because eventually it all ends anyway, and none of it will really matter. a bit morose, i know.
i think i just depressed myself. fuck. that kind of sucks. i swear i have something to do tomorrow...can't remember what though. i was supposed to do lunch monday with someone...that got cancelled. it's cool. i don't think i've spent more than an hour or two with anyone outside of the apartment in a few weeks. at least two if not three. kind of getting used to the lonely existence again. i think it suits me best. if nothing else it at least makes things easier.
i speak out loud and no one hears me anyway.
=e
i'm actually using my pc, not because anything's wrong with my mac, but because the stupid college website isn't set up for mac users. go figure. anyway...i keep going to the top left corner to close windows and stuff, but it's all on the top right side instead. very confusing.
it's kind of funny how things can change so much in a few years, but change so little also. i found shit that i wrote back in 2004 and i was complaining about the same shit i complain about today. money, work, school, life. kind of more sad than funny really. ah well...what's one to do.
i could write some full of myself bullshit post about how life gets better and you just have to find what works for you and run with it, but really i don't think shit ever changes. that's ok. because eventually it all ends anyway, and none of it will really matter. a bit morose, i know.
i think i just depressed myself. fuck. that kind of sucks. i swear i have something to do tomorrow...can't remember what though. i was supposed to do lunch monday with someone...that got cancelled. it's cool. i don't think i've spent more than an hour or two with anyone outside of the apartment in a few weeks. at least two if not three. kind of getting used to the lonely existence again. i think it suits me best. if nothing else it at least makes things easier.
i speak out loud and no one hears me anyway.
=e
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
crap like this really sucks...
this won't mean much to anyone, but alas, i don't really have much else on my mind, so this is what i'm going to talk about.
today, wwe wrestler, chris benoit was found dead in his home in atlanta, ga. along with his wife nancy and son, who's name escapes me at the moment. at first this was extremely sad news to me. i turned on the t.v. to watch a special three hour edition of monday night raw in which they were going to continue the 'mr. mcmahon death' storyline, only to find that a beloved and extremely talented wrestler had passed away in real life. wwe did something they never do...they cancelled the live show (which was airing from chorpus christy, tx) and instead aired a three hour tribute to chris benoit. at that time they had no information on the cause of death for the deceased benoit's, and everyone on raw spoke of their fondest memories of benoit and his career and family.
then came the secondary reports.
it's now being ruled that the deaths were a double-murder suicide. police believe, at this time, that chris killed his wife saturday, his son sunday, and himself earlier today (monday).
after reading that, everything changed.
suddenly i felt sick and disgusted. how could someone do that? how could he do that? i can't even fathom the mindset one would have to be in, in order to do something as horrific and gruesome as killing a significant other, and more importantly, a child. i have to say that i don't like speaking poorly of the deceased, but that is pathetic. i am sad that he is gone because he was an amazing wrestler and entertainer, however that is just absolutely pathetic and it disgusts me.
i don't know. my opinion on the matter honestly doesn't matter. i get that. it just sucks...
anyway. i'm going to go have a drink now, and allow myself to chill for awhile. then i'm heading to bed methinks. later.
=e
today, wwe wrestler, chris benoit was found dead in his home in atlanta, ga. along with his wife nancy and son, who's name escapes me at the moment. at first this was extremely sad news to me. i turned on the t.v. to watch a special three hour edition of monday night raw in which they were going to continue the 'mr. mcmahon death' storyline, only to find that a beloved and extremely talented wrestler had passed away in real life. wwe did something they never do...they cancelled the live show (which was airing from chorpus christy, tx) and instead aired a three hour tribute to chris benoit. at that time they had no information on the cause of death for the deceased benoit's, and everyone on raw spoke of their fondest memories of benoit and his career and family.
then came the secondary reports.
it's now being ruled that the deaths were a double-murder suicide. police believe, at this time, that chris killed his wife saturday, his son sunday, and himself earlier today (monday).
after reading that, everything changed.
suddenly i felt sick and disgusted. how could someone do that? how could he do that? i can't even fathom the mindset one would have to be in, in order to do something as horrific and gruesome as killing a significant other, and more importantly, a child. i have to say that i don't like speaking poorly of the deceased, but that is pathetic. i am sad that he is gone because he was an amazing wrestler and entertainer, however that is just absolutely pathetic and it disgusts me.
i don't know. my opinion on the matter honestly doesn't matter. i get that. it just sucks...
anyway. i'm going to go have a drink now, and allow myself to chill for awhile. then i'm heading to bed methinks. later.
=e
Saturday, June 23, 2007
guess what...
I don't care...
if you're republican or democrat; if youre straight, gay or bi; what school you go to, went to, or what team you support; what religion you are, what religion your kids are, or what religion you think i should be; if you think abortion is right or wrong; if you would rather be fishing, boating, or playing golf; if your other ride is a bike, a boat, or your mom; if you love your weiner; if your kid is on the honor roll or what extra-curricular activities they participate in (though i'm sure the pedophiles in your neighborhood will thank you); what car company you prefer and which you would rather have Calvin piss on; what your last name is and what religious idol you worship; if you support our troops, the war, or just some non-profit organization.
I just don't care.
the truth is that it really isn't important! you're all just too insecure in your beliefs that you think if maybe you let the world know what you think, through the annoying and gaudy usage of bumper and window stickers, that people will think these 'issues' are more important than they really are. you crave attention and acceptance, but are truly too scared to ask for it in healthy ways. you subscribe to the belief that the more people that think the way you do, that somehow justifies those beliefs and make them truer than they would be if you were left to believe them on your own.
you're the type of people that make labels okay, and make the most trivial things hot topics of debate, but not discussion. what you all fail to see is that we are all human. we are all people, and the only thing that seperates us from one another, is us. we choose to see each other differently because it gives us a sense of power and importance.
but really, who the fuck cares? is it really that important? does is really matter what i think, feel or believe? especially since you will never take the time to get to know the real me anyway?
and with all of that said, i will leave you with the one thought i wouldn't mind seeing slapped on every car i follow:
Have A Nice Day.
=e
if you're republican or democrat; if youre straight, gay or bi; what school you go to, went to, or what team you support; what religion you are, what religion your kids are, or what religion you think i should be; if you think abortion is right or wrong; if you would rather be fishing, boating, or playing golf; if your other ride is a bike, a boat, or your mom; if you love your weiner; if your kid is on the honor roll or what extra-curricular activities they participate in (though i'm sure the pedophiles in your neighborhood will thank you); what car company you prefer and which you would rather have Calvin piss on; what your last name is and what religious idol you worship; if you support our troops, the war, or just some non-profit organization.
I just don't care.
the truth is that it really isn't important! you're all just too insecure in your beliefs that you think if maybe you let the world know what you think, through the annoying and gaudy usage of bumper and window stickers, that people will think these 'issues' are more important than they really are. you crave attention and acceptance, but are truly too scared to ask for it in healthy ways. you subscribe to the belief that the more people that think the way you do, that somehow justifies those beliefs and make them truer than they would be if you were left to believe them on your own.
you're the type of people that make labels okay, and make the most trivial things hot topics of debate, but not discussion. what you all fail to see is that we are all human. we are all people, and the only thing that seperates us from one another, is us. we choose to see each other differently because it gives us a sense of power and importance.
but really, who the fuck cares? is it really that important? does is really matter what i think, feel or believe? especially since you will never take the time to get to know the real me anyway?
and with all of that said, i will leave you with the one thought i wouldn't mind seeing slapped on every car i follow:
Have A Nice Day.
=e
Thursday, June 21, 2007
yours truely...
so it's 1a.m. now and i'm sitting in my recliner in my room under my loft bed, listening to great classical music, and waiting on a painting to dry so i can paint more, with booger curled up on some laundry that's on the floor beside me. all in all i would have to say this is how i wish every single moment of life could be. relaxing, calm, thoughtful, creative...above all, inspiring.
it's raining outside, and my rocker recliner sits right next to the window in my room so as i sit here i can hear the soft sounds of the rain between the crescendos of the background music. truely a soundtrack composed for this moment.
this moment can never be again. it has it's time now, and can never be recreated. a sad thought amongst the calm.
awhile back i decided to be reclusive yet again. people and life can be too much for me at times, and the only way i know to deal with it is, in fact, to not deal with any of it at all. i sequester myself, rarely venturing out into the world, and doing so only on an absolute need-to basis. i not only wall myself up by use of my surroundings, but i turn inward as well, walling up myself from the inside, out. i stop talking to most everyone, and on occasion start talking to random people that would otherwise just be a long lost part of my past, or that i would not think twice about.
i would love to go so far as to say that at these times, such as now, i have found inner-peace. however, i cannot say such and have it be true. no, the truth is, these moments in my life are usually filled with much self -evaluation, -critisism, and -ponderment. each time i find a few more pieces to the puzzle, but always feel as though it was never enough. i find myself struggling to complete a puzzle started 24 years ago, with missing key pieces and no picture to reference. not only that, it's as though the puzzle is flipped over, so i don't even truely have any idea as to what it looks like at all. what could it be? what will it look like when it's done? will it ever be finished? is there time enough to finish it?
my biggest fear is time. time is not our friend, yet we treat it as though it will always be there for us, like it's something we can trust. but you can't trust it.
there are a couple songs that have stuck with me recently. one is 'sparks' by coldplay. a song off their first album, it is a song filled with lyrics that i have felt on a few occassions. for the most part, they still apply. i suppose if they didn't, the song wouldn't be on my mind lately. the other is a song by blue october called 'what if we could'. the line that kills me from this song is, 'i'm glad to say that we've met, but i'm sad to say that the circumstances weren't on our side.' the person this line, and entire song, applies most to doesn't even like blue october, and yet the lyrics in this song are so fitting for how i feel about us. technically both songs express my emotions about that particular relationship.
it's 1:32, and i should probably be heading to bed. all of this thinking has made my head hurt. night all. sleep well, for tomorrow is a new day that will only exist once.
=e
it's raining outside, and my rocker recliner sits right next to the window in my room so as i sit here i can hear the soft sounds of the rain between the crescendos of the background music. truely a soundtrack composed for this moment.
this moment can never be again. it has it's time now, and can never be recreated. a sad thought amongst the calm.
awhile back i decided to be reclusive yet again. people and life can be too much for me at times, and the only way i know to deal with it is, in fact, to not deal with any of it at all. i sequester myself, rarely venturing out into the world, and doing so only on an absolute need-to basis. i not only wall myself up by use of my surroundings, but i turn inward as well, walling up myself from the inside, out. i stop talking to most everyone, and on occasion start talking to random people that would otherwise just be a long lost part of my past, or that i would not think twice about.
i would love to go so far as to say that at these times, such as now, i have found inner-peace. however, i cannot say such and have it be true. no, the truth is, these moments in my life are usually filled with much self -evaluation, -critisism, and -ponderment. each time i find a few more pieces to the puzzle, but always feel as though it was never enough. i find myself struggling to complete a puzzle started 24 years ago, with missing key pieces and no picture to reference. not only that, it's as though the puzzle is flipped over, so i don't even truely have any idea as to what it looks like at all. what could it be? what will it look like when it's done? will it ever be finished? is there time enough to finish it?
my biggest fear is time. time is not our friend, yet we treat it as though it will always be there for us, like it's something we can trust. but you can't trust it.
there are a couple songs that have stuck with me recently. one is 'sparks' by coldplay. a song off their first album, it is a song filled with lyrics that i have felt on a few occassions. for the most part, they still apply. i suppose if they didn't, the song wouldn't be on my mind lately. the other is a song by blue october called 'what if we could'. the line that kills me from this song is, 'i'm glad to say that we've met, but i'm sad to say that the circumstances weren't on our side.' the person this line, and entire song, applies most to doesn't even like blue october, and yet the lyrics in this song are so fitting for how i feel about us. technically both songs express my emotions about that particular relationship.
it's 1:32, and i should probably be heading to bed. all of this thinking has made my head hurt. night all. sleep well, for tomorrow is a new day that will only exist once.
=e
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
i am the frito bandito...
this week has basically been me doing a whole hell of a lot of nothing. i think i'm okay with that :)
i did go process some film up at the lab the other day, and will be going back up there today to get two more rolls done. i also have been going through old rolls of color and getting them processed. that's always fun because i can't remember what's on any of them, so it's a fun surprise every time i get a couple done. i think i may take a couple and drop them off on my way to the school today too.
i went to sushi last night with someone i've just recently been talking to. it was fun and, of course, the food was great. we ended up staying out a hell of a lot later than i had planned on, so when i got home i completely crashed. then this morning i just could not be bothered with actually waking up. it's just been one of those slow, drowsy days where i'm not really feeling all that great, but i can't tell if it's just from weird sleep lately, or if i'm coming down with something. i've been out of claritin-d the past couple of days, and with all the crap in the air that's not a good thing.
i did actually have other stuff to talk about, but i should probably get going if i'm going to process film today. tomorrow i won't have time since i'll be cleaning all day because we have people coming over friday night. so off i go. later!
=e
i did go process some film up at the lab the other day, and will be going back up there today to get two more rolls done. i also have been going through old rolls of color and getting them processed. that's always fun because i can't remember what's on any of them, so it's a fun surprise every time i get a couple done. i think i may take a couple and drop them off on my way to the school today too.
i went to sushi last night with someone i've just recently been talking to. it was fun and, of course, the food was great. we ended up staying out a hell of a lot later than i had planned on, so when i got home i completely crashed. then this morning i just could not be bothered with actually waking up. it's just been one of those slow, drowsy days where i'm not really feeling all that great, but i can't tell if it's just from weird sleep lately, or if i'm coming down with something. i've been out of claritin-d the past couple of days, and with all the crap in the air that's not a good thing.
i did actually have other stuff to talk about, but i should probably get going if i'm going to process film today. tomorrow i won't have time since i'll be cleaning all day because we have people coming over friday night. so off i go. later!
=e
Sunday, June 17, 2007
obligatory father's day post...
so today is father's day. i didn't even realize it til plans for tonight got cancelled because of it. it's not really something i consider a 'holiday', and thus, not something i put any thought into.
however, today i'm acknowledging the day in celebration of all the fathers out there that are not a complete waste of space, and actually try to fulfill their role in the lives of their children.
i get so infuriated with people around me who bitch about their dads. most, if not all, of my friends have fathers in their lives that are good people, and that are involved in the family dynamic. yes, they may screw up from time to time, and no they are not perfect, but these guys are at least trying, and they deserve to be appreciated.
the man responsible for having brought me into this world is not someone that i consider 'dad'. he is, unfortunately, my father, but by genetics alone. he was an abusive father and husband, a drunk, and a cold, emotionally unavailable heartless human being. i say was, but the truth is he could still be as he is still alive, i just haven't spoken a word to him in over two years...actualy closer to three. it's not that i have not made an attempt at speaking with him. i did in the beginning, but after all efforts were continuously ignored i finally just gave up. my mother and sister speak to him on occasion, but it is rare. he lives with his 'friend', who happens to be female, though he is still married to my mother, and lives probably no more than half an hour from me.
but it can't be all bad. he did help mold me into the person i am today. an overly-competitive, aggressive, critical girl with a tendancy for addictions and a raging short temper that few dare to test. he's also had a hand in my wonderfully low self-esteem by teaching me that all i am at my core, and all i have become to be is inherently wrong. go figure.
so, because those around me don't see the good fathers they have, i say happy fathers day for them. you're good men, and i appreciate who you are, and all of your efforts. happy fathers day.
=e
however, today i'm acknowledging the day in celebration of all the fathers out there that are not a complete waste of space, and actually try to fulfill their role in the lives of their children.
i get so infuriated with people around me who bitch about their dads. most, if not all, of my friends have fathers in their lives that are good people, and that are involved in the family dynamic. yes, they may screw up from time to time, and no they are not perfect, but these guys are at least trying, and they deserve to be appreciated.
the man responsible for having brought me into this world is not someone that i consider 'dad'. he is, unfortunately, my father, but by genetics alone. he was an abusive father and husband, a drunk, and a cold, emotionally unavailable heartless human being. i say was, but the truth is he could still be as he is still alive, i just haven't spoken a word to him in over two years...actualy closer to three. it's not that i have not made an attempt at speaking with him. i did in the beginning, but after all efforts were continuously ignored i finally just gave up. my mother and sister speak to him on occasion, but it is rare. he lives with his 'friend', who happens to be female, though he is still married to my mother, and lives probably no more than half an hour from me.
but it can't be all bad. he did help mold me into the person i am today. an overly-competitive, aggressive, critical girl with a tendancy for addictions and a raging short temper that few dare to test. he's also had a hand in my wonderfully low self-esteem by teaching me that all i am at my core, and all i have become to be is inherently wrong. go figure.
so, because those around me don't see the good fathers they have, i say happy fathers day for them. you're good men, and i appreciate who you are, and all of your efforts. happy fathers day.
=e
Friday, June 15, 2007
if time flies, where can i buy a ticket to ride...
yesterday was freaking amazing.
it started off kind of slow because i didn't really hit the ground running like i had planned on, but i think that's probably best really. it was a nice relaxing morning followed by an afternoon full of activity and creativity, followed by a relaxing evening.
i went out and shot some pictures yesterday. mainly the point was to make sure my camera was actually fixed (which it seems to be), but it turned into me driving around listening to music, enjoying the day, and trespassing in order to get the shot i wanted. :) all in all it was a lot of fun.
after that i came home and started working on a new painting. i finally used this large canvas that i've had sitting in my room for awhile, but wasn't sure what to do with. the painting turned out really cool, and ended up being finished before i planned on being done with it. i love it when that happens. so now i have to go to michael's and get another canvas, even though i have five or six small ones stored under my desk.
anyway...not to cut this short, but i've got errands to run so i should head out. i have a busy weekend coming up, so it's better i start getting stuff done now. have a great weekend all. later!
=e
it started off kind of slow because i didn't really hit the ground running like i had planned on, but i think that's probably best really. it was a nice relaxing morning followed by an afternoon full of activity and creativity, followed by a relaxing evening.
i went out and shot some pictures yesterday. mainly the point was to make sure my camera was actually fixed (which it seems to be), but it turned into me driving around listening to music, enjoying the day, and trespassing in order to get the shot i wanted. :) all in all it was a lot of fun.
after that i came home and started working on a new painting. i finally used this large canvas that i've had sitting in my room for awhile, but wasn't sure what to do with. the painting turned out really cool, and ended up being finished before i planned on being done with it. i love it when that happens. so now i have to go to michael's and get another canvas, even though i have five or six small ones stored under my desk.
anyway...not to cut this short, but i've got errands to run so i should head out. i have a busy weekend coming up, so it's better i start getting stuff done now. have a great weekend all. later!
=e
Thursday, June 14, 2007
daaaaamn skippy motivator...
Your Score: Ireland
You scored 81 Leader factor!
You are suitable to lead: Ireland
| Link: The Which Nation Should You Lead Test |
easy to grow - here's how...
the past few days have been absolutely unproductive. i did finally leave the house today, for the first time all week, and took over $100 of change to the bank to be deposited, along with some cash from a friend paying me back. thanks again!
i got my camera fixed last week, but have yet to find the motivation to actually use it. i'm thinking about going out tomorrow and shooting for a bit. a new friend has me feeling creative, or at least motivated to not be so lazy. then, tomorrow night i'm supposed to go have dinner with a friend whom i have not seen in probably over two months. hopefully that's still on, but i haven't talked to her since the weekend, so who knows.
i didn't realize that the guy on 'the dead zone' is the guy from 'weird science' and 'sixteen candles'. that's freaky. he doesn't look like such a dork anymore, and is kinda handsome actually. huh, go figure.
had pho (vietnamese soup) for dinner, and it was fantastic. i went to world market today and finally bought the spoon things that you use at the restaurant since i really only like to eat it at home. i also bought two bottles of wine, one of which is now gone. it was good too. :)
i love the show 'cheaters'. i swear one day i'm going to see someone on there that i know, though it hasn't happened yet. even so, the show is hilarious, in that "people can be such dumbasses" kind of way. it's mostly filmed in dallas, which i know makes me feel great that i'm surrounded by these first class citizens. the one that's on right now is about this pregnant chick and her ass of a boyfriend, and this chick is having to give herself an insulin shot in the van on the way over to the confrontation! messed up man. messed up.
anyway, it's kind of late, and if i'm going to get anything done tomorrow i should take a soma and head to bed now. the kitties are already conked out. anyway. later!
=e
i got my camera fixed last week, but have yet to find the motivation to actually use it. i'm thinking about going out tomorrow and shooting for a bit. a new friend has me feeling creative, or at least motivated to not be so lazy. then, tomorrow night i'm supposed to go have dinner with a friend whom i have not seen in probably over two months. hopefully that's still on, but i haven't talked to her since the weekend, so who knows.
i didn't realize that the guy on 'the dead zone' is the guy from 'weird science' and 'sixteen candles'. that's freaky. he doesn't look like such a dork anymore, and is kinda handsome actually. huh, go figure.
had pho (vietnamese soup) for dinner, and it was fantastic. i went to world market today and finally bought the spoon things that you use at the restaurant since i really only like to eat it at home. i also bought two bottles of wine, one of which is now gone. it was good too. :)
i love the show 'cheaters'. i swear one day i'm going to see someone on there that i know, though it hasn't happened yet. even so, the show is hilarious, in that "people can be such dumbasses" kind of way. it's mostly filmed in dallas, which i know makes me feel great that i'm surrounded by these first class citizens. the one that's on right now is about this pregnant chick and her ass of a boyfriend, and this chick is having to give herself an insulin shot in the van on the way over to the confrontation! messed up man. messed up.
anyway, it's kind of late, and if i'm going to get anything done tomorrow i should take a soma and head to bed now. the kitties are already conked out. anyway. later!
=e
Monday, June 11, 2007
new skin hurts...
i'm on benadryl so this may make no sense what so ever.
went to the batting cages today, and i have some blisters that are pretty bad. i put new-skin on them and oh my gosh it burned like insanity.
last night macaroni went a bit balistic and scratched the crap out of my arm. she got my lip too cause it's all swollen today and hurts. thus the benadryl.
uh...yeah. i think it's bed time.
ok...night.
went to the batting cages today, and i have some blisters that are pretty bad. i put new-skin on them and oh my gosh it burned like insanity.
last night macaroni went a bit balistic and scratched the crap out of my arm. she got my lip too cause it's all swollen today and hurts. thus the benadryl.
uh...yeah. i think it's bed time.
ok...night.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
plastic caddy...
it's nearly 2 a.m. (will be after by the time i get done writing this) and i'm still up. luckily i have the power of darvocet on my side, so all is good and happy in the world. well, ok, maybe not good and happy, but i'm loopy so it doesn't really matter.
i'm waiting on a painting i'm working on to dry so i can work on it some more. that's the problem with some of my stuff. it becomes this complicated painstaking process where i can only do a bit at a time. this just means that the thing drags on and on, and eventually i will probably lose interest in it or change it completely to finish it in one day. -shrug- i like where it's going currently, i just don't know that i have the patience to stick with it. as rob pointed out the other day, i am the most impatient person in the world. not that i didn't already know that, i just thought it funny that he felt the need to tell me...again. like telling someone that they are impatient is really going to change that. really? or do people just need feel the need to point out the obvious or already known every now and then? i don't know. i'm guilty of it too, i just think it's funny when anyone does it because it honestly makes no sense. regardless...
so i got to thinking about this in my humanities class on the last day when we were playing board games. all photography can be classified as 'documentary' or 'journalistic' photography. yes, even ansel adams crap, and set up stuff. i say this because there was a question in one of the games that had something to do with what art form pushed surrealism and something else and the choices were: film, poetry, sculpture, and photography. my first instinct was immediately film because for so long, and even today photography has struggled to be seen as a true art form. organizations such as the f64 group still believe that photography is solely documentary and should only be seen as such.
ok, so that seems pretty extreme, i know, and i felt the same way until that question came up and i really got to thinking about it. (by the way, the answer was both film and photography, but mainly film...it was a bad question really). after thinking about it for awhile i started to really agree with that. if you think about it, every picture documents something. whether it be a place, a moment in time, an idea, an emotion, or an event, something is being recorded and documented with every release of the shutter. so truly, all photography really is documentary photography.
does that mean that photography isn't also art? who knows. i think anything can be art if it's made to be such. art for art's sake is still art regardless. so yeah, photography can be both documentary/journalistic and still be art. it's all in the eye of the beholder. my only problem with that is when someone will go to a museum and say, 'oh, that's not art,' just because they don't understand it or just don't like it. just because you do not like or agree or understand something does not make it any less art. it just makes it 'bad art' to *you*. but calling something 'not art' just because you don't like is very degrading to the artist. think about it...what if someone told you that whatever you do for a living wasn't what it was supposed to be? that it wasn't good enough to qualify as a product of your efforts simply because that one person didn't like it. or even worse, didn't get it and made no attempt to even try and get it. yeah...not very cool.
ok, so now that i'm done ranting, i think my painting is dry, so i'm giong to put another coat on it and then probably head to bed. well, after checking my email and turning my phone off so i stop texting and getting texts!
night all. or maybe mornin'!
=e
i'm waiting on a painting i'm working on to dry so i can work on it some more. that's the problem with some of my stuff. it becomes this complicated painstaking process where i can only do a bit at a time. this just means that the thing drags on and on, and eventually i will probably lose interest in it or change it completely to finish it in one day. -shrug- i like where it's going currently, i just don't know that i have the patience to stick with it. as rob pointed out the other day, i am the most impatient person in the world. not that i didn't already know that, i just thought it funny that he felt the need to tell me...again. like telling someone that they are impatient is really going to change that. really? or do people just need feel the need to point out the obvious or already known every now and then? i don't know. i'm guilty of it too, i just think it's funny when anyone does it because it honestly makes no sense. regardless...
so i got to thinking about this in my humanities class on the last day when we were playing board games. all photography can be classified as 'documentary' or 'journalistic' photography. yes, even ansel adams crap, and set up stuff. i say this because there was a question in one of the games that had something to do with what art form pushed surrealism and something else and the choices were: film, poetry, sculpture, and photography. my first instinct was immediately film because for so long, and even today photography has struggled to be seen as a true art form. organizations such as the f64 group still believe that photography is solely documentary and should only be seen as such.
ok, so that seems pretty extreme, i know, and i felt the same way until that question came up and i really got to thinking about it. (by the way, the answer was both film and photography, but mainly film...it was a bad question really). after thinking about it for awhile i started to really agree with that. if you think about it, every picture documents something. whether it be a place, a moment in time, an idea, an emotion, or an event, something is being recorded and documented with every release of the shutter. so truly, all photography really is documentary photography.
does that mean that photography isn't also art? who knows. i think anything can be art if it's made to be such. art for art's sake is still art regardless. so yeah, photography can be both documentary/journalistic and still be art. it's all in the eye of the beholder. my only problem with that is when someone will go to a museum and say, 'oh, that's not art,' just because they don't understand it or just don't like it. just because you do not like or agree or understand something does not make it any less art. it just makes it 'bad art' to *you*. but calling something 'not art' just because you don't like is very degrading to the artist. think about it...what if someone told you that whatever you do for a living wasn't what it was supposed to be? that it wasn't good enough to qualify as a product of your efforts simply because that one person didn't like it. or even worse, didn't get it and made no attempt to even try and get it. yeah...not very cool.
ok, so now that i'm done ranting, i think my painting is dry, so i'm giong to put another coat on it and then probably head to bed. well, after checking my email and turning my phone off so i stop texting and getting texts!
night all. or maybe mornin'!
=e
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
so if you've a date in constantinople, she'll be waiting in istanbul...
i honestly don't know how this could have slipped my mind this morning, but somehow or another it did. i bought the most awesome and comfortable sandals at wal-mart last night. i know, i know, wal-mart...but whatever. the sandals are fucking awesome, and that's all that matters. they are earth spirit (www.earthspirit.us) sandals and they're blue. did i mention that they're comfortable?
anyway...both kitties are completely knocked out right now, my phone hasn't rung all day (which i'm not complaining about) and i got some stuff taken care of like varnishing paintings and doing some laundry. w00t. on top of all that, i don't have to worry about dinner tonight either because rob's brining food home which is one less thing i need to worry about. yea!
there is a wasp outside of my balcony door that's been buzzing about all day. luckily i didn't see it when i was out there spraying down my paintings. i'm not a huge fan of flying stingy bugs.
tonight is the premiere of 'america has talent' and i am quite excited. if you haven't seen the show, what rock were you living under last summer? this show, at least until the last couple episodes, is freaking hilarious! on top of that, kathy griffin's 'my life on the d-list' also comes on tonight and starts its new season. i am quite happy about this if you couldn't tell.
ok...on a totally different topic, but still made me laugh...macaroni is sleeping so hard right now that she's snoring!
here's a pic:
alrighty, that's all for now...later!
anyway...both kitties are completely knocked out right now, my phone hasn't rung all day (which i'm not complaining about) and i got some stuff taken care of like varnishing paintings and doing some laundry. w00t. on top of all that, i don't have to worry about dinner tonight either because rob's brining food home which is one less thing i need to worry about. yea!
there is a wasp outside of my balcony door that's been buzzing about all day. luckily i didn't see it when i was out there spraying down my paintings. i'm not a huge fan of flying stingy bugs.
tonight is the premiere of 'america has talent' and i am quite excited. if you haven't seen the show, what rock were you living under last summer? this show, at least until the last couple episodes, is freaking hilarious! on top of that, kathy griffin's 'my life on the d-list' also comes on tonight and starts its new season. i am quite happy about this if you couldn't tell.
ok...on a totally different topic, but still made me laugh...macaroni is sleeping so hard right now that she's snoring!
here's a pic:
alrighty, that's all for now...later!
now look here motivator...
ah...you gotta love 'r' rated movies on t.v. and how they choose to edit the naughty words. it can almost make a really bad movie like 'resident evil 2' entertaining. almost...
anyway, moving on.
i have been so productive lately, and in such a good mood. i think i really needed this time off from work and school to get things in my life re-situated and to just generally take a break. sometimes we all need a break, and i don't just mean from work or school, or whatever our day to day lives entail. i mean, there are times when we really need a *real* break. a break from life. from the things, the people, the places and everything else that brings us down and adds to the load of living in general. for me, it's not something that i realize happens until i get a break from it all, and have the time and peace of mind to push back and look at things from a wider perspective. i have the ability to tell people no, and to not committ to something out of guilt or stress. i have the time to work on the projects that i *want* to work on and don't *have* to work on. and on the flip side, if i don't work on them there are no consequences or negative backlash to fear.
on a side note, and before i get negative backlash for this post (which is ridiculous that i might, but nevertheless), i am not saying that friends or family are bad for us, or me, or whomever. however, i do stand by the statement that the people in one's life can bring them down after a period of time, whether they mean to or not. there are times when the best of intentions have the worst impacts or results. people can become so blinded by their love or compassion for a person that they don't take the time to think about how something they think they are doing to help will effect the person in the end. evolution is a natural part of life, and we as humans must continue to evolve to survive, and sometimes this means by evolving the people around us as well. if we kept the same people close to us without ever having any sort of variety or change, we would stop growing and evolving because our enviroment will have become stagnate. that is not to say that we must dump people from our lives after a period of time, however it is to say that we must be aware of when we have reached a point of stagnation, and then do something about it.
people change...people *need* to change, and those around us need to allow for that change in ourselves and in others. and yes, because of such, relationships change as well, and that is something that we all need to accept. if you try to hold on to the past, or to what a relationship *used to be* you will never be able to move past it. and trust me, you need to move past it. you cannot go on holding others to your expectations of a role that they used to hold in your life. move on...let it go...because damn, it's just not worth it. if you can't do it for them, do it for yourself, (or vise versa), because if you don't, you are wasting life, time and energy that could be used towards something more productive and positive.
now i know it probably sounds like i'm just preaching, but after holding on to a past relationship for a hell of a lot longer than i should have, i speak from experience. the fact that i love someone will never change, but i am not going to allow myself to not move on because of that love, or to hold that person to a role they once held. time changes everything and everyone, and usually for the better.
this probably didn't help the fact that it will piss some people off, but i don't think that i really care. feel free to voice your opposing opinions all you want, but know that you will be jacking your jaw to a deaf ear. not that i'm trying to be shitty, not in the least bit. everyone is entitled to their opinion, and i'm sure you all have your own, which i'm glad you do, but i just don't want to hear it. this is mine opinion, and since it's my blog, i have the right to voice my opinion, just as you have the right to not read it.
with all of that being said, i am off to continue being productive for the day and getting things taken care of. later motivator!
=e
anyway, moving on.
i have been so productive lately, and in such a good mood. i think i really needed this time off from work and school to get things in my life re-situated and to just generally take a break. sometimes we all need a break, and i don't just mean from work or school, or whatever our day to day lives entail. i mean, there are times when we really need a *real* break. a break from life. from the things, the people, the places and everything else that brings us down and adds to the load of living in general. for me, it's not something that i realize happens until i get a break from it all, and have the time and peace of mind to push back and look at things from a wider perspective. i have the ability to tell people no, and to not committ to something out of guilt or stress. i have the time to work on the projects that i *want* to work on and don't *have* to work on. and on the flip side, if i don't work on them there are no consequences or negative backlash to fear.
on a side note, and before i get negative backlash for this post (which is ridiculous that i might, but nevertheless), i am not saying that friends or family are bad for us, or me, or whomever. however, i do stand by the statement that the people in one's life can bring them down after a period of time, whether they mean to or not. there are times when the best of intentions have the worst impacts or results. people can become so blinded by their love or compassion for a person that they don't take the time to think about how something they think they are doing to help will effect the person in the end. evolution is a natural part of life, and we as humans must continue to evolve to survive, and sometimes this means by evolving the people around us as well. if we kept the same people close to us without ever having any sort of variety or change, we would stop growing and evolving because our enviroment will have become stagnate. that is not to say that we must dump people from our lives after a period of time, however it is to say that we must be aware of when we have reached a point of stagnation, and then do something about it.
people change...people *need* to change, and those around us need to allow for that change in ourselves and in others. and yes, because of such, relationships change as well, and that is something that we all need to accept. if you try to hold on to the past, or to what a relationship *used to be* you will never be able to move past it. and trust me, you need to move past it. you cannot go on holding others to your expectations of a role that they used to hold in your life. move on...let it go...because damn, it's just not worth it. if you can't do it for them, do it for yourself, (or vise versa), because if you don't, you are wasting life, time and energy that could be used towards something more productive and positive.
now i know it probably sounds like i'm just preaching, but after holding on to a past relationship for a hell of a lot longer than i should have, i speak from experience. the fact that i love someone will never change, but i am not going to allow myself to not move on because of that love, or to hold that person to a role they once held. time changes everything and everyone, and usually for the better.
this probably didn't help the fact that it will piss some people off, but i don't think that i really care. feel free to voice your opposing opinions all you want, but know that you will be jacking your jaw to a deaf ear. not that i'm trying to be shitty, not in the least bit. everyone is entitled to their opinion, and i'm sure you all have your own, which i'm glad you do, but i just don't want to hear it. this is mine opinion, and since it's my blog, i have the right to voice my opinion, just as you have the right to not read it.
with all of that being said, i am off to continue being productive for the day and getting things taken care of. later motivator!
=e
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