lights cast a shadow...

"But delay the mournful words
Of complicated overcast
Please take the message
That you taught me how to live at last
But I said my confidence
It gets stronger when you're next to me
But we wave respect goodbye
In quest for what we long to be,"

those lyrics are from blue october's song, 'Everlasting Friend', and today, they are very fitting. i woke up thinking about those lyrics, and how i could say those words to a few people, and have them really mean something. it's those relationships that i feel as though i'm mourning today. i don't show or say love very well, or often, but when i feel it, it's overwhelming, even when i can't find the courage to say it. i can't help but to be broken hearted when a relationship that meant something to me ends, even if i know that it was for the best. today i just feel as though i want to call up those people that this all applies to, and verbally vomit my love for them until i'm blue in the face (i know, lovely visual), but i can't. to be cliche, those ships have sailed...i guess.
i have rarely been single in my life, and so it's a relatively new experience for me. i don't have the obligations that being a girlfriend comes with, but on the flip side, i don't have that person to go to even when i just want to cuddle. then there's the side effect that i don't think i was aware of, and i can't say it's a negative or positive thing. i don't have that other person in my life to give me part of my identity. i'm no longer 'so and so's girlfriend', and that's an odd feeling. it's like now there's this missing part of *me*, and i have to find some way of filling it without looking to someone else to do it for me.
i've finally hit that point where i'm forced to figure out who i am. i've never felt as though i had my own identity, as though i knew who i really am, but i don't think i can keep living my life that way. if i continue to let other people define me as a person, then my entire life will turn out to be a lie, full of regrets because i was never true to myself.
anyway.
today is just that kind of day i guess. it's moist and grey out, and i could just not wake up this morning. there's a lot i need to figure out, but i don't expect for it to happen today. no, today i am going to play guitar hero II, and take a break from trying to solve all the mysteries of life.
later!

=e