"But delay the mournful words
Of complicated overcast
Please take the message
That you taught me how to live at last
But I said my confidence
It gets stronger when you're next to me
But we wave respect goodbye
In quest for what we long to be,"
those lyrics are from blue october's song, 'Everlasting Friend', and today, they are very fitting. i woke up thinking about those lyrics, and how i could say those words to a few people, and have them really mean something. it's those relationships that i feel as though i'm mourning today. i don't show or say love very well, or often, but when i feel it, it's overwhelming, even when i can't find the courage to say it. i can't help but to be broken hearted when a relationship that meant something to me ends, even if i know that it was for the best. today i just feel as though i want to call up those people that this all applies to, and verbally vomit my love for them until i'm blue in the face (i know, lovely visual), but i can't. to be cliche, those ships have sailed...i guess.
i have rarely been single in my life, and so it's a relatively new experience for me. i don't have the obligations that being a girlfriend comes with, but on the flip side, i don't have that person to go to even when i just want to cuddle. then there's the side effect that i don't think i was aware of, and i can't say it's a negative or positive thing. i don't have that other person in my life to give me part of my identity. i'm no longer 'so and so's girlfriend', and that's an odd feeling. it's like now there's this missing part of *me*, and i have to find some way of filling it without looking to someone else to do it for me.
i've finally hit that point where i'm forced to figure out who i am. i've never felt as though i had my own identity, as though i knew who i really am, but i don't think i can keep living my life that way. if i continue to let other people define me as a person, then my entire life will turn out to be a lie, full of regrets because i was never true to myself.
anyway.
today is just that kind of day i guess. it's moist and grey out, and i could just not wake up this morning. there's a lot i need to figure out, but i don't expect for it to happen today. no, today i am going to play guitar hero II, and take a break from trying to solve all the mysteries of life.
later!
=e
Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
beautiful glacier making its way to the ocean...
so it's 2p.m. on sunday afternoon, and i should really be getting some things done, however, i'm just sitting here still in my pj's, with a kitty on my lap, watching survivor man. i slept til just about noon, so it's not live i've been up very long...i know, i'm lazy.
the following are things i should probably get done today:
register for maymester and summer classes
study for my final biology lab practical that's tomorrow
go through my closet - put away winter clothes, and take out summer clothes
do laundry and put laundry away
i'm sure there's a lot of other stuff i should do, but those are the main things i can think of. unfortunately i'm not really motivated to do much of any of it. trying to figure out classes for the summer is kind of depressing because i really just want a break, but i know that it's just better if i muscle through it and get it done now. i spent a couple of hours last night looking up classes, and checking professor's on ratemyprofessor.com which is one of the best inventions ever! i have maymester figured out, and summer II i think. i don't know...it's such a pain. i know i'm going to have to be at the community college another full semester anyway, but i would like for it to be an easy semester. coordinating that is the crap part. i need to figure out what i'm going to do about an english course that i'm going to have to take somewhere else before i can finish my associates, and that's driving me crazy. i've been putting it off two semesters now, and i really can't afford to do it anymore, but it means having to either apply at a different community college, or going ahead and applying to whatever four year i want to go to, and hoping i get in so i can't take the course online. there are two problems with that, though: one, it's a lot easier to get into a four year with a completed associates, and two, i have no freaking clue as to which four year i want to go to. argle bargle.
anyway. that was a really long rant that i did not mean to go into, but it feels better having vented. so i guess i should go get started on my day, so i'm going to go. maybe i will actually be productive...but i'm not going to worry about it if i'm not. later!
=e
the following are things i should probably get done today:
register for maymester and summer classes
study for my final biology lab practical that's tomorrow
go through my closet - put away winter clothes, and take out summer clothes
do laundry and put laundry away
i'm sure there's a lot of other stuff i should do, but those are the main things i can think of. unfortunately i'm not really motivated to do much of any of it. trying to figure out classes for the summer is kind of depressing because i really just want a break, but i know that it's just better if i muscle through it and get it done now. i spent a couple of hours last night looking up classes, and checking professor's on ratemyprofessor.com which is one of the best inventions ever! i have maymester figured out, and summer II i think. i don't know...it's such a pain. i know i'm going to have to be at the community college another full semester anyway, but i would like for it to be an easy semester. coordinating that is the crap part. i need to figure out what i'm going to do about an english course that i'm going to have to take somewhere else before i can finish my associates, and that's driving me crazy. i've been putting it off two semesters now, and i really can't afford to do it anymore, but it means having to either apply at a different community college, or going ahead and applying to whatever four year i want to go to, and hoping i get in so i can't take the course online. there are two problems with that, though: one, it's a lot easier to get into a four year with a completed associates, and two, i have no freaking clue as to which four year i want to go to. argle bargle.
anyway. that was a really long rant that i did not mean to go into, but it feels better having vented. so i guess i should go get started on my day, so i'm going to go. maybe i will actually be productive...but i'm not going to worry about it if i'm not. later!
=e
just spray it on and wipe it dry...
so i went out today to run a couple of errands with rob, and we came to a conclusion...well...*i* came to a conclusion, and rob just laughed at me. i decided that the sun is evil. i know, i know...obviously i've come to this conclusion before! i mean, this whole blog was named after said realization. but just bear with me...i think it's funny, and i want to share my random train of thought with the few of you who read this, and don't care. :)
so, you know when you were a kid and you could spend hours in outside in the sun? heat wasn't a factor, and the sunnier it was, the more energy you had to keep playing. however, now as adults, the sun seems to drain us of our energy, making long days seem even longer. with me? good...now here's my theory:
the sun is this massive source of energy, but that energy has to come from somewhere! i believe the energy comes from us! from adults! we go outside and the sun just sucks energy from us in order to fuel itself. so when we're kids, the sun give us small amounts of energy to play and exercise, so that we grow into active adults, thus replenishing the sun's energy. it's an ongoing cycle.
yeah, you just think about it next time you go out and are wanting to just go home and take a nap because you're suddenly drained of all your energy. yeeeeeeah.
ok, i'm dumb. anyway.
in other news, i totally stepped outside of my comfort zone today, and actually had a really good time! it is possible for me to not be anti-social, and that's pretty cool. nope, no details. just felt like sharing.
also, i had thai food today, and it was fantastic! yummy in my tummy. w00t.
both the kitties are crashed out, and rob is over at sean's chillin' for the evening. i was going to go, because drinking + wii sounded like a hell of lot of fun, but i thought i would enjoy some alone time. in all actuality, i'm just bored. but i'm eating leftovers and drinking coffee milk, so i'm content i suppose. i did work on a painting earlier. i like where it's going i think. we'll see.
anyway. i'm going to stop rambling now, but before i go, gotta say happy birthday to raquel! have a good one girl!
alrighty...later!
=e
so, you know when you were a kid and you could spend hours in outside in the sun? heat wasn't a factor, and the sunnier it was, the more energy you had to keep playing. however, now as adults, the sun seems to drain us of our energy, making long days seem even longer. with me? good...now here's my theory:
the sun is this massive source of energy, but that energy has to come from somewhere! i believe the energy comes from us! from adults! we go outside and the sun just sucks energy from us in order to fuel itself. so when we're kids, the sun give us small amounts of energy to play and exercise, so that we grow into active adults, thus replenishing the sun's energy. it's an ongoing cycle.
yeah, you just think about it next time you go out and are wanting to just go home and take a nap because you're suddenly drained of all your energy. yeeeeeeah.
ok, i'm dumb. anyway.
in other news, i totally stepped outside of my comfort zone today, and actually had a really good time! it is possible for me to not be anti-social, and that's pretty cool. nope, no details. just felt like sharing.
also, i had thai food today, and it was fantastic! yummy in my tummy. w00t.
both the kitties are crashed out, and rob is over at sean's chillin' for the evening. i was going to go, because drinking + wii sounded like a hell of lot of fun, but i thought i would enjoy some alone time. in all actuality, i'm just bored. but i'm eating leftovers and drinking coffee milk, so i'm content i suppose. i did work on a painting earlier. i like where it's going i think. we'll see.
anyway. i'm going to stop rambling now, but before i go, gotta say happy birthday to raquel! have a good one girl!
alrighty...later!
=e
Monday, April 23, 2007
personal revelations of a homosexual kind...
something got me thinking.
people say that they're born gay or homosexual or whatever, and personally i subscribe to this beliefe. however, then there are the people that believe that being gay is a product of upbringing, society influence, or whatever they believe. now, currently neither can be proven either way, and whichever argument you subscribe to is truly your own business, or at least should be (it's my blog and i'll voice whatever opinion i want to here, but you won't find me spouting my mouth off in public...there's a time and a place, and this is mine).
however, what if being homosexual really is genetic? what if it is encoded in our genes, and it just depends on who our parents are that predicts whether or not we turn out gay?
now i can hear the arguments now, "so what, one or both of a homosexual's parents is gay?" uh, no. that's not how genes work. i'm just saying. if a male and a female both have recessive genes, or one has a dominant and the other a recessive, then there is a chance that those genes will be passed on to one or more children as active or dominant genes.
i dunno...just a thought. i'm sure it's been or is being looked into somewhere by someone. i've just spent too much time in biology class lately.
a friend told me i was 'acting weird' today. my response was, 'oh...am i?' honestly i'm not...i've just got a lot going on, and not a lot of time for problems or drama. sorry.
i've just decided that right now i need to focus on what's going on in my personal life, and take control back of my life and my destiny. i've let school slip, and haven't been keeping up with stuff at home, and i always feel worn out and blah. i need to change that and get things taken care of before i can be there for anyone else.
i've started eating better again, and working out a little (though not being able to breathe has limited that), and actually studying for tests and shit. i just need to stay on this track and get through some stuff.
it may be awhile, but i'm not going to apologize for taking care of myself for once.
in other news, i had fantastic sushi tonite, and i have a very happy belly. later.
=e
people say that they're born gay or homosexual or whatever, and personally i subscribe to this beliefe. however, then there are the people that believe that being gay is a product of upbringing, society influence, or whatever they believe. now, currently neither can be proven either way, and whichever argument you subscribe to is truly your own business, or at least should be (it's my blog and i'll voice whatever opinion i want to here, but you won't find me spouting my mouth off in public...there's a time and a place, and this is mine).
however, what if being homosexual really is genetic? what if it is encoded in our genes, and it just depends on who our parents are that predicts whether or not we turn out gay?
now i can hear the arguments now, "so what, one or both of a homosexual's parents is gay?" uh, no. that's not how genes work. i'm just saying. if a male and a female both have recessive genes, or one has a dominant and the other a recessive, then there is a chance that those genes will be passed on to one or more children as active or dominant genes.
i dunno...just a thought. i'm sure it's been or is being looked into somewhere by someone. i've just spent too much time in biology class lately.
a friend told me i was 'acting weird' today. my response was, 'oh...am i?' honestly i'm not...i've just got a lot going on, and not a lot of time for problems or drama. sorry.
i've just decided that right now i need to focus on what's going on in my personal life, and take control back of my life and my destiny. i've let school slip, and haven't been keeping up with stuff at home, and i always feel worn out and blah. i need to change that and get things taken care of before i can be there for anyone else.
i've started eating better again, and working out a little (though not being able to breathe has limited that), and actually studying for tests and shit. i just need to stay on this track and get through some stuff.
it may be awhile, but i'm not going to apologize for taking care of myself for once.
in other news, i had fantastic sushi tonite, and i have a very happy belly. later.
=e
Friday, April 20, 2007
watching moulin rouge, writing about schizophrenia, and drinking diet coke...
the past few days have been a bit odd. wednesday was fairly good, no real complaints other than not getting to spend enough time with someone. then yesterday i ended up not going to class and calling in to work. i hadn't slept well the night before from being sick and not being able to breathe real well, but it was more than that which kept me home. not sure what. today i came in to work, and i have had a fairly busy day, considering the norm for my store, but i've been doing homework off and on all day and just thinking about stuff.
i'm not real sure as to where i'm going with all of this. my mood is kind of all over the place right now, and i cannot seem to pinpoint the cause. i'm feeling...depressed, but calm, riddled with anxiety, kind of hyper, but fairly exhausted as well. is it a safe mood? i would be lieing if i said i didn't know the answer to that, but i think that's what makes it such an interesting mood to be in. i'm not a very spontaneous person most of the time, but moods like this can bring it out in me, and i think i'm ok with that.
to those who were concerned yesterday when i fell off the face of the planet with no contact, sorry i guess. i know you're just trying to be good friends who care, but i can't say that it's what i really want right now. if you feel like i'm pushing you away, no worries...i'm sure it'll all be fixed soon.
on a completely different topic...this guy came into my store today and was extremely flirtatious. i say this because i, myself, am an extremely flirtatious person, and i don't really notice it in other people unless they meet or exceed my levels of flirtation. this one definitely exceeded. his name was gabriel, and he came in to buy film and a cable release. he stayed a tried to chat for a few, but i wasn't very welcoming to his conversation, so he left. about thirty minutes later, however, he called asking if he could return the cable release he had purchased...luckily i had a customer i was dealing with so i hurried him off the phone. then about ten minutes after that he came walking back in the store, bag in tow, explaining that i didn't give him a receipt. liar!!!! i give everyone a receipt!!! anyway...we got it all worked out, and i gave him shit and told him not to do it again. then he started trying to ask me out to sushi. sushi? ok...it's tempting...the fish, not the guy. i just looked at him and laughed and shook my head as i walked away to answer the phone. oh, a bit of a side note...the entire time this guy is calling me 'liz'...i swear, i could have killed him, but i figured i didn't want to deal with having to clean up that mess.
anyway. i eventually got him out of the store, and luckily haven't heard from him again. don't get me wrong...it was quite flattering, but even *i* am not *that* persistent! wow...yeah.
ok, so there. not much else to jack my jaw about. i'm going to get back to writing about mental and personality disorders for psychology now. later.
=e
i'm not real sure as to where i'm going with all of this. my mood is kind of all over the place right now, and i cannot seem to pinpoint the cause. i'm feeling...depressed, but calm, riddled with anxiety, kind of hyper, but fairly exhausted as well. is it a safe mood? i would be lieing if i said i didn't know the answer to that, but i think that's what makes it such an interesting mood to be in. i'm not a very spontaneous person most of the time, but moods like this can bring it out in me, and i think i'm ok with that.
to those who were concerned yesterday when i fell off the face of the planet with no contact, sorry i guess. i know you're just trying to be good friends who care, but i can't say that it's what i really want right now. if you feel like i'm pushing you away, no worries...i'm sure it'll all be fixed soon.
on a completely different topic...this guy came into my store today and was extremely flirtatious. i say this because i, myself, am an extremely flirtatious person, and i don't really notice it in other people unless they meet or exceed my levels of flirtation. this one definitely exceeded. his name was gabriel, and he came in to buy film and a cable release. he stayed a tried to chat for a few, but i wasn't very welcoming to his conversation, so he left. about thirty minutes later, however, he called asking if he could return the cable release he had purchased...luckily i had a customer i was dealing with so i hurried him off the phone. then about ten minutes after that he came walking back in the store, bag in tow, explaining that i didn't give him a receipt. liar!!!! i give everyone a receipt!!! anyway...we got it all worked out, and i gave him shit and told him not to do it again. then he started trying to ask me out to sushi. sushi? ok...it's tempting...the fish, not the guy. i just looked at him and laughed and shook my head as i walked away to answer the phone. oh, a bit of a side note...the entire time this guy is calling me 'liz'...i swear, i could have killed him, but i figured i didn't want to deal with having to clean up that mess.
anyway. i eventually got him out of the store, and luckily haven't heard from him again. don't get me wrong...it was quite flattering, but even *i* am not *that* persistent! wow...yeah.
ok, so there. not much else to jack my jaw about. i'm going to get back to writing about mental and personality disorders for psychology now. later.
=e
Friday, April 13, 2007
can't beat getting paid to sleep...
that's right. i took a thirty minute nap today at work. i really didn't mean to, it just sort of happened, but i'm not complaining. being sick doesn't help with the exhaustion thing, so it all just kind of built up and my body decided to crash for a bit.
not really a whole hell of a lot to update about really. like the current weather, i'm having trouble deciding what the hell i want to do. with school, with work, with life in general. school went down the crap shoot this semester, but it seems to have happened with everyone, and not just me. work is...well, i can't really complain too much about work, other than the store will be moving in late may or early june, and then i either have to drive thirty minutes to get there, or find a job somewhere else. so that's kind of up in the air right now. and as far as life goes, well...hell, i don't think anyone ever really gets that shit figured out, so yeah.
i would just love to be able to focus on achieving a couple of core things so that i can get somewhere with stability and independence. unfortunately, i go back and forth, and up and down and all the way around things over and over again. there's too much that interests me on the one hand, and on the other, i don't feel that i'm quite good enough at any of it to really pursue it as anything more serious than just an interest or hobby.
i have found myself wanting to play trumpet again. it was always something that i excelled at, and always had so much fun doing. i love music, and to be able to play it always gave me such a full feeling. i can't really explain it, but it was just that...full. i still play bass guitar from time to time, but it doesn't give me that same feeling. probably because it isn't a lead instrument, and it's hard to get anywhere near that feeling without music accompanying it. and unfortunately i can't play guitar all that well, partially from lack of practice, partially from lack of mobility in my fingers/hands. anyway.
i've been doing yoga off and on recently. it definitely helps stretch out my back and hips, which helps with all the pain, especially in this weird texas weather. i can't say that i have been doing it routinely, but i'm going to start next week, along with some cardio, and of course my weekly game of racquetball with the sarge. i also want to take a kickboxing class through the rec. center i'm a member at. it's not like that tae-bo crap though, it's real kickboxing. getting to hit and kick shit...sounds right up my alley. i just need to go by the center and find out how muc it's going to cost and get all the details and stuff. i'm pretty excited about it. if anyone is interested in doing it with me, let me know, because i'm kind of shy about doing it by myself!
ok, well i get to shut down the store now, so i'm going to get outta here. later!
=e
not really a whole hell of a lot to update about really. like the current weather, i'm having trouble deciding what the hell i want to do. with school, with work, with life in general. school went down the crap shoot this semester, but it seems to have happened with everyone, and not just me. work is...well, i can't really complain too much about work, other than the store will be moving in late may or early june, and then i either have to drive thirty minutes to get there, or find a job somewhere else. so that's kind of up in the air right now. and as far as life goes, well...hell, i don't think anyone ever really gets that shit figured out, so yeah.
i would just love to be able to focus on achieving a couple of core things so that i can get somewhere with stability and independence. unfortunately, i go back and forth, and up and down and all the way around things over and over again. there's too much that interests me on the one hand, and on the other, i don't feel that i'm quite good enough at any of it to really pursue it as anything more serious than just an interest or hobby.
i have found myself wanting to play trumpet again. it was always something that i excelled at, and always had so much fun doing. i love music, and to be able to play it always gave me such a full feeling. i can't really explain it, but it was just that...full. i still play bass guitar from time to time, but it doesn't give me that same feeling. probably because it isn't a lead instrument, and it's hard to get anywhere near that feeling without music accompanying it. and unfortunately i can't play guitar all that well, partially from lack of practice, partially from lack of mobility in my fingers/hands. anyway.
i've been doing yoga off and on recently. it definitely helps stretch out my back and hips, which helps with all the pain, especially in this weird texas weather. i can't say that i have been doing it routinely, but i'm going to start next week, along with some cardio, and of course my weekly game of racquetball with the sarge. i also want to take a kickboxing class through the rec. center i'm a member at. it's not like that tae-bo crap though, it's real kickboxing. getting to hit and kick shit...sounds right up my alley. i just need to go by the center and find out how muc it's going to cost and get all the details and stuff. i'm pretty excited about it. if anyone is interested in doing it with me, let me know, because i'm kind of shy about doing it by myself!
ok, well i get to shut down the store now, so i'm going to get outta here. later!
=e
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