UNDERTAKER WON THE ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why does this make me so happy? it's probably just a good sign that he'll retire after wrestlemania, however, it's promising to be one hell of a wrestlemania! :D :D :D
Monday, January 29, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
gay is the new black...
don't ask.
anyway, i've been super busy with school and stuff lately, so no time to update really...not that anyone reads this, but that's ok.
not much to say really.
oh, i know...i'll spout off my latest epiphany.
so i've finally come to a conclusion on digital photography. for so long i've struggled with truly being able to define why it is i dislike that medium so much, and now i have an answer.
digital photography is fake.
there's nothing real about it...nothing tangible.
with film you have the film and the processing of the film, and then the printing etc... any manipulations you want to do to film photography, you have to physically do!
however, with digital, it's all data. there is nothing to feel or hold until you finally hit print on a computer, and out comes this image that's altered because obviously the original data wasn't good enough, or because someone wanted to make it a certain way, so that even the end product is fake. i despise that. photography isn't sitting at a computer!
unfortunately my photography course this semester is making me at least print my photographs digitally...meaning, i can still shoot them in film, so at least i have that going for me, but i have to scan in the negatives and then use photoshop to print them. ridiculous.
none of this is to say that i will never go in to the digital world, because let's face it, i'm going to have to at some point. however, i will never fully turn to the dark side. i need real. i need tangible.
anyway. that's my rant. my wine glass is empty however, and this makes me sad. thus i am off to relax with the kitties, and play some wii. later!
=e
anyway, i've been super busy with school and stuff lately, so no time to update really...not that anyone reads this, but that's ok.
not much to say really.
oh, i know...i'll spout off my latest epiphany.
so i've finally come to a conclusion on digital photography. for so long i've struggled with truly being able to define why it is i dislike that medium so much, and now i have an answer.
digital photography is fake.
there's nothing real about it...nothing tangible.
with film you have the film and the processing of the film, and then the printing etc... any manipulations you want to do to film photography, you have to physically do!
however, with digital, it's all data. there is nothing to feel or hold until you finally hit print on a computer, and out comes this image that's altered because obviously the original data wasn't good enough, or because someone wanted to make it a certain way, so that even the end product is fake. i despise that. photography isn't sitting at a computer!
unfortunately my photography course this semester is making me at least print my photographs digitally...meaning, i can still shoot them in film, so at least i have that going for me, but i have to scan in the negatives and then use photoshop to print them. ridiculous.
none of this is to say that i will never go in to the digital world, because let's face it, i'm going to have to at some point. however, i will never fully turn to the dark side. i need real. i need tangible.
anyway. that's my rant. my wine glass is empty however, and this makes me sad. thus i am off to relax with the kitties, and play some wii. later!
=e
Monday, January 22, 2007
i smell nauseatingly sweet...
like winter's candy apple to be exact...anyway.
i'm bored so i thought i'd post something. school is going, and while i thought 16 hours was going to kick my ass, i think i may actually be able to survive it. having friday's off definitely helps, and having a great boyfriend that doesn't make me work :)
everything else in life is going alright i suppose. not without bumps, that's for sure, but there are some good things happening that i'm very excited by the prospect of, so we'll see where they lead. unfortunately, it seems that whenever something good happens in my life, it has adverse effects on those around me. like the butterfly effect! in order for my life to see positive occurences, negatives things must find their way into the lives of those around me. i'm blaming it on the butterfly flapping it's wings in thailand. that's just me though.
alrighty, well i have some gilgamesh to read (oh joy) so i'm gonna go do that and then head to bed. maybe one day we'll all find our yin and yang. later!
=e
i'm bored so i thought i'd post something. school is going, and while i thought 16 hours was going to kick my ass, i think i may actually be able to survive it. having friday's off definitely helps, and having a great boyfriend that doesn't make me work :)
everything else in life is going alright i suppose. not without bumps, that's for sure, but there are some good things happening that i'm very excited by the prospect of, so we'll see where they lead. unfortunately, it seems that whenever something good happens in my life, it has adverse effects on those around me. like the butterfly effect! in order for my life to see positive occurences, negatives things must find their way into the lives of those around me. i'm blaming it on the butterfly flapping it's wings in thailand. that's just me though.
alrighty, well i have some gilgamesh to read (oh joy) so i'm gonna go do that and then head to bed. maybe one day we'll all find our yin and yang. later!
=e
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
my ‘obligatory because i said so’ boob rant
first off, let me start this post explaining why it is titled as it is. obligatory, as defined by m-w.com, means to be mandatory or required. now in most instances, something titled a ‘boob rant’ would not seem to fit under that heading. however, for those of you who know me, you know that boobs are indeed, a rather large part of my life, and for anyone who reads this, it should be obvious that ranting is also a large part of my life. so it seems only fitting, as well as called for that they somehow meet as a blog post at some point. and today, well today is that day.
so, i actually have a couple different things about boobs to rant about.
growing up i was completely flat chested. we are talking, i didn’t even fill out an 'A' cup. it was great. i could play sports, and run, and wear whatever i wanted because i never had to worry about the inconvenience of bras and boobs. and while i did grow a bit in high school, it really wasn’t much of anything; we’re talking ‘B’ cup tops. then i turned 18, and i’ll be damned if out of nowhere i didn’t have boobs. seriously, i went from maybe a ‘B’ to a large ‘C’ or small ‘D’ overnight. now given, my ex-fiancé love them, however i was not so fond of them myself, but really made no attempts at getting rid of them. so, as the years went on, my boobs continued a steady and gradual growth spurt. at the age of 21 i weighed more than i ever had in my life, coming in at about 155-160 lbs. thanks to a hormone imbalance caused by coming off a certain birth control. the weight gain was fairly noticeable all around my body, however, my boobs seemed to attract the most of it, and i ballooned up to a very large ‘DD’ cup. we’re not talking the good kind either…it wasn’t pretty. since then my weight has fluctuated and i’ve gone off and on exercise plans, however, for the most part my boobs have decided they don’t want to lose weight. currently my weight sits at a solid 130lbs, which for my height is decent, but my boobs still sit at a ‘DD’. WHY? my weight loss goal for my resolution this year is to hit 120lbs. most people say i’m crazy for wanting to lose that much weight, but the truth is, i have it to lose, it’s just all in *one place*!!! now, given, since i lost three pounds in the past two weeks to sit at that 130lbs mark, my boobs have shrunk a bit, which gives me hope that dropping another 10 will make them shrink even more. i think i might go crazy if they don’t. seriously.
with all that said, and most of you either red-faced or looking at your screen with a puzzling expression, i am brought to my second topic of boob ranting which is this: why are we so embarrassed about boobs? why are boobs private? everyone has them! it’s something i’ve never quite understood. and it’s not necessarily just the boob, but more specifically, the nipple. if you turn on any of those ‘dr. 90210’ shows that are about self improvement through plastic surgery and stuff, they will show everything *except for the nipple*. why? what is so damned special about the nipple? we all have them right? yet, men can show theirs, and women can’t? i don’t know…it just doesn’t seem to make sense. i mean, it’s not like i’m going to walk around showing my boobs off, or my nipples because really, no one wants to see that, and i'm not promoting that any of you do it either, but what makes them so special just because i’m a female? i don’t know. i just don’t get it. boobs are cool and all, i get that, but they’re just boobs. and when you really look at them, nipples are not really all that attractive. men or women’s.
so there ya go, there’s my ‘obligatory because I said so’ boob rant. comments are welcome, but not necessary, as i get that this was a completely ridiculous post :D. later!
so, i actually have a couple different things about boobs to rant about.
growing up i was completely flat chested. we are talking, i didn’t even fill out an 'A' cup. it was great. i could play sports, and run, and wear whatever i wanted because i never had to worry about the inconvenience of bras and boobs. and while i did grow a bit in high school, it really wasn’t much of anything; we’re talking ‘B’ cup tops. then i turned 18, and i’ll be damned if out of nowhere i didn’t have boobs. seriously, i went from maybe a ‘B’ to a large ‘C’ or small ‘D’ overnight. now given, my ex-fiancé love them, however i was not so fond of them myself, but really made no attempts at getting rid of them. so, as the years went on, my boobs continued a steady and gradual growth spurt. at the age of 21 i weighed more than i ever had in my life, coming in at about 155-160 lbs. thanks to a hormone imbalance caused by coming off a certain birth control. the weight gain was fairly noticeable all around my body, however, my boobs seemed to attract the most of it, and i ballooned up to a very large ‘DD’ cup. we’re not talking the good kind either…it wasn’t pretty. since then my weight has fluctuated and i’ve gone off and on exercise plans, however, for the most part my boobs have decided they don’t want to lose weight. currently my weight sits at a solid 130lbs, which for my height is decent, but my boobs still sit at a ‘DD’. WHY? my weight loss goal for my resolution this year is to hit 120lbs. most people say i’m crazy for wanting to lose that much weight, but the truth is, i have it to lose, it’s just all in *one place*!!! now, given, since i lost three pounds in the past two weeks to sit at that 130lbs mark, my boobs have shrunk a bit, which gives me hope that dropping another 10 will make them shrink even more. i think i might go crazy if they don’t. seriously.
with all that said, and most of you either red-faced or looking at your screen with a puzzling expression, i am brought to my second topic of boob ranting which is this: why are we so embarrassed about boobs? why are boobs private? everyone has them! it’s something i’ve never quite understood. and it’s not necessarily just the boob, but more specifically, the nipple. if you turn on any of those ‘dr. 90210’ shows that are about self improvement through plastic surgery and stuff, they will show everything *except for the nipple*. why? what is so damned special about the nipple? we all have them right? yet, men can show theirs, and women can’t? i don’t know…it just doesn’t seem to make sense. i mean, it’s not like i’m going to walk around showing my boobs off, or my nipples because really, no one wants to see that, and i'm not promoting that any of you do it either, but what makes them so special just because i’m a female? i don’t know. i just don’t get it. boobs are cool and all, i get that, but they’re just boobs. and when you really look at them, nipples are not really all that attractive. men or women’s.
so there ya go, there’s my ‘obligatory because I said so’ boob rant. comments are welcome, but not necessary, as i get that this was a completely ridiculous post :D. later!
Friday, January 12, 2007
heavy, but lighter...
since my last post not much has really changed, but i'm not as vehement about things anymore. as i told a friend earlier, i think i just needed to be angry for awhile. and anger is completely ok, as long as it's handled in a non-destructive manner. use to, it's that part that would have been a problem for me. however as i have gotten older and seen the path my anger can lead, as well as how closely that path resembles that of my father's, i have become more able in finding releases that cause little to no harm to myself nor those around me.
i'm not a very emotional person in life. i tend to allow logic and reason to step in and guide me where others would allow emotions the reigns. love doesn't decide who i spend time with, happiness doesn't promote shopping sprees or productiveness, hatred doesn't keep me from being pleasant to someone, etc. however, anger is different. anger is a beast that i tend to daily, and keep at bay for as long as possible. i have come to a point in my life where i know exactly what my anger can enable me to do that i would not otherwise be prone to doing, and with that knowledge, for lack of being able to come up with anything other than a comic book quote, comes great responsibility.
as human beings, somewhere the lines became skewed, and the line between allowing ones-self to express emotions, and living emotionally, was blurred. i do not condemn someone who allows themselves the openness of feeling things and expressing those feelings to others. however, when those emotions are the sole drive in a persons life, i believe that to be a problem. common sense, rationality, good decision making are all lost at the will of emotions.
so then, to ask a perhaps too obvious question, where does the center lie? where do emotions and logic meet up to create a perfect union? perhaps they don't, and we are forced to choose which means more to us as individuals, thus creating an even wider gap between us in society's hierarchy.
anyway. enough rambling. i'm off to paint, because for me, that's where logic and emotion fuse.
=e
i'm not a very emotional person in life. i tend to allow logic and reason to step in and guide me where others would allow emotions the reigns. love doesn't decide who i spend time with, happiness doesn't promote shopping sprees or productiveness, hatred doesn't keep me from being pleasant to someone, etc. however, anger is different. anger is a beast that i tend to daily, and keep at bay for as long as possible. i have come to a point in my life where i know exactly what my anger can enable me to do that i would not otherwise be prone to doing, and with that knowledge, for lack of being able to come up with anything other than a comic book quote, comes great responsibility.
as human beings, somewhere the lines became skewed, and the line between allowing ones-self to express emotions, and living emotionally, was blurred. i do not condemn someone who allows themselves the openness of feeling things and expressing those feelings to others. however, when those emotions are the sole drive in a persons life, i believe that to be a problem. common sense, rationality, good decision making are all lost at the will of emotions.
so then, to ask a perhaps too obvious question, where does the center lie? where do emotions and logic meet up to create a perfect union? perhaps they don't, and we are forced to choose which means more to us as individuals, thus creating an even wider gap between us in society's hierarchy.
anyway. enough rambling. i'm off to paint, because for me, that's where logic and emotion fuse.
=e
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
welcome to the inner turmoil...
after contemplating everything over for the past couple of hours i'm still as lost, if not more so than ever.
it's now day ten of two thousand and seven and just about everything that has happened up to this point has sucked big time. there are those that believe in god and would say that this is just his way of testing me. then there are others who believe that this is a sign that the universe is trying to get me to do something completely different with my life. then you have the third party people who subscribe to karma and would say that i probably deserve everthing i'm getting.
so where do i fit in? well, i'm an eclectic mix of the three. i'm religiously agnositic, but don't rule out the possibility being of a god. i do tend to believe that the universe has it out for me, but i usually just mean it in that cynicle way of mine. and as for karma, i've definitely seen it come around and bite people in the ass. so i'm not discounting any of these possibilities. i just don't know where to go from here. do i take it as god testing me and push forward? do i take it as a sign from the universe and dump everything i've began and start from scratch? or do i take it as karma and tuck my tail between my legs accepting it for what it is because obviously i deserve it?
i don't know.
i feel like breaking the world. like destroying something beautiful. i feel like bringing a fury upon this world none the likes that it has ever seen before. a fury from the depths of hell. a fury that lives within my depths and scratches at the inner walls of my being to escape.
i feel like driving a million miles into nowhere. never to be heard from again. never to be seen. to be lost. lost from the world, from existense, from the memories of everyone.
people are untrustworthy. i was mistaken to trust anyone again.
to create. to destroy. the yin and the yang. constant struggle. creation is destruction. destruction is creation. anger is beautiful, as is the path it leaves in its wake.
where the hell is all this going? where?
broken. we're all just broken.
=e
it's now day ten of two thousand and seven and just about everything that has happened up to this point has sucked big time. there are those that believe in god and would say that this is just his way of testing me. then there are others who believe that this is a sign that the universe is trying to get me to do something completely different with my life. then you have the third party people who subscribe to karma and would say that i probably deserve everthing i'm getting.
so where do i fit in? well, i'm an eclectic mix of the three. i'm religiously agnositic, but don't rule out the possibility being of a god. i do tend to believe that the universe has it out for me, but i usually just mean it in that cynicle way of mine. and as for karma, i've definitely seen it come around and bite people in the ass. so i'm not discounting any of these possibilities. i just don't know where to go from here. do i take it as god testing me and push forward? do i take it as a sign from the universe and dump everything i've began and start from scratch? or do i take it as karma and tuck my tail between my legs accepting it for what it is because obviously i deserve it?
i don't know.
i feel like breaking the world. like destroying something beautiful. i feel like bringing a fury upon this world none the likes that it has ever seen before. a fury from the depths of hell. a fury that lives within my depths and scratches at the inner walls of my being to escape.
i feel like driving a million miles into nowhere. never to be heard from again. never to be seen. to be lost. lost from the world, from existense, from the memories of everyone.
people are untrustworthy. i was mistaken to trust anyone again.
to create. to destroy. the yin and the yang. constant struggle. creation is destruction. destruction is creation. anger is beautiful, as is the path it leaves in its wake.
where the hell is all this going? where?
broken. we're all just broken.
=e
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
words cannot describe the loathing i currently feel...
i just found out i don't have a job for spring semester. and it's not like i found out because anyone had the fucking balls to call me and tell me! no, because that would be too god damned respectful.
no, i found out because i off-handedly inquired about it in an email about something completely different to the lab manager, and he, quite off-handedly, let me know that my application "didn't make the cut".
this year is just getting better and better.
whatever.
i'm going back to being a hermit. fuck you all.
=e
no, i found out because i off-handedly inquired about it in an email about something completely different to the lab manager, and he, quite off-handedly, let me know that my application "didn't make the cut".
this year is just getting better and better.
whatever.
i'm going back to being a hermit. fuck you all.
=e
Monday, January 08, 2007
mmmm...reheated chicken strips...
went to therapy today. it was completely uneventful and unhelpful as well. sometimes it's like that though. aside from that, today has been pretty productive, and i plan on it continuing to be.
in news of my face...it's still paralyzed. good news however, my mom did not have a stroke, but instead has bells palsy as well...just on her left side whereas mine is on the right. go figure.
the one thing i got out of therapy today is...it's okay to be smarter than others. so i guess it wasn't completely a waste of time :)
alrighty, well it's 5 now and i have to go take medicine and get back to keeping myself busy. later.
=e
in news of my face...it's still paralyzed. good news however, my mom did not have a stroke, but instead has bells palsy as well...just on her left side whereas mine is on the right. go figure.
the one thing i got out of therapy today is...it's okay to be smarter than others. so i guess it wasn't completely a waste of time :)
alrighty, well it's 5 now and i have to go take medicine and get back to keeping myself busy. later.
=e
Saturday, January 06, 2007
12:11...
i've been painting. a lot. illness and boredom will do that to ya. or me. or, whatever.
there are some updates on the whole face paralyzation crap, but i don't feel like going into it currently. maybe later.
found out tonite that the dad of a friend i used to work with killed himself. i feel badly for her, even though the rest of her life seems to be going well.
it's late and i'm tired, but i don't feel like sleeping just yet. though i'm stuck on the painting i'm working on. maybe i'll have some ice cream.
this post was completely pointless. just felt like typing. later.
=e
there are some updates on the whole face paralyzation crap, but i don't feel like going into it currently. maybe later.
found out tonite that the dad of a friend i used to work with killed himself. i feel badly for her, even though the rest of her life seems to be going well.
it's late and i'm tired, but i don't feel like sleeping just yet. though i'm stuck on the painting i'm working on. maybe i'll have some ice cream.
this post was completely pointless. just felt like typing. later.
=e
Monday, January 01, 2007
happy $%*#@! new year to me...part deux...
let's add to the fun shall we? at least, that's what the world, or god, or whatever you choose to believe in decided. on top of my face palsy crap, i found out that my mom was hospitalized for yet another stroke.
2007 is shaping up to be a hell of a year...
=e
p.s. - and yes, i did watch cena vs. k-fed...completely predictable ending, and not as entertaining as it could have been. :)
2007 is shaping up to be a hell of a year...
=e
p.s. - and yes, i did watch cena vs. k-fed...completely predictable ending, and not as entertaining as it could have been. :)
happy $%*#@! new year to me...
for those of you who don't know, when i was 16 i woke up one morning without the use of one side of my face...a lovely predicament known as bell's palsy. typically this type of paralysis is temporary, and usually goes away on its own in a few weeks, or two months at maximum. but then again, i've never been typical. no, mine lasted a little over three months, and of course i didn't just have weakness in the muscle, no, i had full blown out paralysis. i couldn't shut my eye, i couldn't smile on that side, i couldn't use a straw, and i sure as heck couldn't taste on that side. all wonderful attributes of this wonderful palsy.
why am i writing about this? because the world hates me, and likes to play cruel jokes on me.
for the past two days i've had significant pain in and behind my right ear, as well as complete loss of taste on the right side of my toungue. this morning, i awoke to loss of muscle control on the right side of my face. currently it's not too extreme, however, i wouldn't be suprised if it got worse throughout the day, as it did last time.
so, really this post is not asking for pity or your condolences. i'm writing this just so next time you see me, for those of you who read this and might actually see me, you won't be caught off guard. i'm also just blogging about it to bitch really. because sometimes bitching helps. so thanks for listening. later.
=e
why am i writing about this? because the world hates me, and likes to play cruel jokes on me.
for the past two days i've had significant pain in and behind my right ear, as well as complete loss of taste on the right side of my toungue. this morning, i awoke to loss of muscle control on the right side of my face. currently it's not too extreme, however, i wouldn't be suprised if it got worse throughout the day, as it did last time.
so, really this post is not asking for pity or your condolences. i'm writing this just so next time you see me, for those of you who read this and might actually see me, you won't be caught off guard. i'm also just blogging about it to bitch really. because sometimes bitching helps. so thanks for listening. later.
=e
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