but i've got my philosophy, keeps my feet on the ground...

so i'm here at work on a beautiful saturday when i could be outside actually improving my life in non-monetary ways that would benefit me in so many other ways than $7 an hour will. epiphany? perhaps, but it always comes back to needing that damn dollar.
at least saturdays are quiet. i have no one bugging me continuously for shit they should be learning in class. i get so tempted sometimes to tell the little fuckers that when they want to start paying me a teachers salary, i'll start wanting to help them, but until then they can just fuck off. however, none of that today thank goodness. saturdays are usually filled with the dedicated students who know what the hell they're doing in a darkroom, and don't need someone there to hold their hand every step of the way. i respect those kids...well, i at least endure them.
anyway.
so i've been a real shit to some people lately, and without really giving them any reason whatsoever. why? oh, i'm sure i have my reasons. however, i really wasn't aware of what, exactly, those reasons were until just recently. does this mean i'm going to sit here and hash out my shit on a blog? or that i'm going to apologize for being a shit? or that i'm going to actually explain my reasons to those select few i've been a shit to?
in short...no.
does that make me an even bigger shit for admitting i now know why i've been a shit and yet will still not release that information?
probably.
do i care?
not at this point. but i will...maybe.
i've decided i have to talk to someone outside of the issues first. as i told someone last nite, that's why i pay someone to listen to me talk, so they can figure my shit out for me. it's not like i'm an idiot, i mean, i know what the problem is, and i know why i'm approaching it the way i am, and i know what i'm trying to accomplish in doing so. however, while it may take care of the problem from one end, it doesn't solve it altogether for me, and until i can explain it all to someone that i don't really care about, it will remain unresolved, and i will continue to go on being a shit. and no one wants that now do they? i didn't think so.
anyway, there are people in my lab so i must go.

e

we're all the same, unless we're special...

so this week starts the beginning of new shows, well, other than lost which starts next week, but that's not the point. the point is, there are a lot of new shows on this season, and while most of them don't appeal to me or rob at all, there is one that i'm afraid i may easily become addicted to.
it's a show on nbc on monday nites called 'heroes'. now, the show was running up against a wall for me because monday nites wwe raw is on (dork, i know) which gets priority over all others, and with both shows starting at the same time, i was almost ready to give up on the show before i even saw it. however, rob went ahead and set up the vcr (yes, i know, twenty first century and all and we still use a vcr; we're proud).
so tuesday nite i don't have anything to watch, so last nite we sat down and watched the show, and while it definitely has a 'lost'-esque feel to it, the show is, as far as premieres go, really well done. it definitely has potential to say the least.
so that's my dork post for right now. i was going to say for the week, but we all know that's probably not true.
subject change:
so i actually went to classes today which is good. i still don't feel all that great, but i talked myself into going, and it's a damn good thing since we had a test in my bcis class. oops oops oops. oh well, that crap is easy and i'm sure i did fine, so whatever. it's funny how everyone in that class absolutely hates our teacher. i must say, he is definitely a strange one, but whatever. it's not like i have to deal with him. i just show up for class, do my work and go home. simple enough.
i also finished another painting today. not that it's really important or anything, but it has been awhile, so yeah. i have like, three other ones to still finish, but that probably won't happen for awhile. it's not so smart to start three or four paintings simultaneously really, but that's usually just how i work. i have to keep my mind working, and if i have to think about what to do with one painting next, i take that time to start or work on or finish another one. as boring as my life is, my brain is surely not. i swear it never slows down. it's a curse at times, but fairly beneficial at others, so i guess it balances itself out.
wow, so i'm rambling now, and dr. phil is about to come on, so i'm gonna go. two and a half more days til the weekend! later!

-e

sorry doesn't fix it, and i'm tired of hearing it...

so i've been fairly frustrated with life lately. between being sick and not knowing what's wrong with me, having people in my life who don't seem capable of being able to make good decisions and choices in their own lives, and school and work being just whatever...well, yeah...frustrating.
i got told today that a friend doesn't want me to feel like i have to babysit her. my response was that someone needs to since she's not making great choices for herself. however, now that i'm thinking about it, i agree. i'm not going to babysit her. fuck it. i'm not going to give my opinions nor advice anymore, and on the other side of it i'm not giving my sympathy for the shit that happens to her. so i'm done with that. my life is too stressful in it's own regard to have to worry about others. that's why i stopped having friends in the first place.
i mean for freakin real people. i've been to the doctor four three times in the past three weeks. i've been on five different medications, as well as not being able to take my pain medication for my knees and hip problems because it interferes with everything else i'm taking. i've had two blood tests, a diabetes test, and two chest x-rays. next they want to do a full abdominal cat scan, which means a lot of money, and from there they possibly want to hospitalize me. goody.
so on top of all of that i'm supposed to worry about someone doing shit and getting hurt because of choices and decisions that they make and are completely responsible for? i'm really supposed to care even though it was something completely avoidable?
i just can't.
maybe that makes me a bad person, maybe i'm a bad friend or insensitive to whatever, but that's for everyone else to decide for themselves. i know i'm not a bad person nor a bad friend, however people will think as they want to, and i cannot, nor will not try to control that.
i really didn't mean for this to turn into such a rant, but it's been bugging me for awhile now, so i guess i just needed to get it out there. i won't apologize for my words, but i'll apologize for the time it took to read this crap.
anyway, have a good week to everyone. later.

-e

it may be necessary to tap bolts in place with a hammer...

so it's monday and..(drum roll please)..i still feel like shit. yay.

however, in good news, it's cooler outside, and while my knees are bitching, the rest of me is quite happy! i love it when the weather starts to cool down and the air smells so crisp. mmm, makes me happy. now if only i lived somewhere where fall actually exists as a completely seperate season. that would make me very happy.

i didn't go to class today...i know, i'm bad. i had all the intentions of doing so, however once i got to the school i was drained of all energy and thought i would have to spend my afternoon in the photo lab because even walking was a chore. oh well. no big deal.

i think i may spend the rest of my afternoon painting and sleeping, and maybe not in that order. or maybe i'll just sleep because that sounds damn good right now. i shouldn't tho. if i take a nap now i won't sleep tonite. wow, sorry, thinking out loud. that was boring.

ok, so i'm gonna go do something now that isn't this. hope everyone's weekend was good and i will catch y'all later!

-e

adventures in modern medicine...

so i'm alive, for now i suppose.
i went to the doctor again today, and he still doesn't know what's wrong with me. he did a chest x-ray and found no masses like absesses or tumors, but he also pointed out that the absess in my stomach after my appendix burst didn't show up on x-ray either. so that's reassuring. so he put me on new medication and said that if it doesn't help by monday that i would probably need to get a full abdominal cat scan which may or may not reveal anything.
in other news i feel like shit.
oh wait, i said other news...uh...booger is conked out on my floor under the stool looking absolutely adorable.
argh, anyway...i'm freaking exhausted so i think i'm going to go retrieve rob from his video game and make him go cuddle with me in bed. tmi, i know. anyway. nite all.

-e

hi ho hi ho work sucks don't chya know...

so i realize that i haven't updated in awhile, thank you very much! however, i have been extremely ill, and still am in all honesty. my doctor doesn't know what's wrong with me which, from past experience, is *not* a good thing. rob is all freaked out, my mom thinks i'm dieing. me? i just feel like shit.
anyway. i'm at work currently, listening to some of the dullest conversations between some of the dullest people. my lower back is throbbing, and i feel like i could sleep for a decade. the joys of working in the school's photography lab is, i don't do anything! thus, why i'm writing this.
my pseudo-boss and i got into it today. a very heated conversation took place that i commanded for the most part. i basically told him that he needed to grow some balls and say shit to my face rather than hide behind emails and other people. we're "having a team meeting" next week supposedly, but that really just means he's going to go home and cry about it and lick his wounds like a beaten dog. hahahahahaha :)
uh...so yeah, that's really it. i have a doctor's appointment in the wonderful world of greenville tomorrow, so that should be fun. i'm honestly just hoping that he hospitalizes me and figures out what the hell is going on, however, i'm sure he'll just send me home with some new medicine to try and say, "now call me monday if you're not feeling any better." that's what he's said the past two times i've been in the past two weeks.
anyway...there's a fight going on in the lab or something, so i guess i should go be switzerland for a bit. hope this fulfills your need for an update.
later!

-e

previous post mistake...

ok, so i was just going through some of my old posts and i came across the one titled "who am i" in which i stated:
"i am bad with all emotions other than love."


correction...i am bad with *all* emotions...especially love.

that is all.

-e

i'm at a loss for clever titles...

went to see my mommy today. rob and i took her to lunch, and she sent us home with yummy peach cake. it's absolutely delicious.
so i continue to feel like crap. the antibiotic isn't doing anything other than making me feel worse because it's too strong for me to handle. argle bargle. i have to start taking it at nites so i can sleep through the naseau, assuming i *can* sleep through it.
so not a lot else is going on. i had the wonderful realization this weekend that every weekend from now til the end of the semester is going to suck balls. basically i get one day off a week, and it's the craptastical day of sunday. ya know, the day when all the crazy people go out, everything closes early (if it's even open to begin with), and dammit, it used to be my pajama wearin, video game playin day! now it's the day when i have to cram everything i would normally do on saturday into twelve hours or so on sunday. yeah. not cool.
so, on that note, i'm sitting here trying to figure out meals for the rest of the week, what i'm going to cook and when, etc... then i've gotta do some laundry before it gets too much later if i want to have anything to wear for the rest of the week. and i'm sure i have homework that i'm forgetting about, but who cares. i refuse to stress over that at this point. i would really like to work on a painting tonite too, but i don't know if i'm really feeling up to it. i just feel bad because it's been over a week since i did any painting.
ok, so anyway. i'm going to get this crap finished and then go to bed so i can get up tomorrow and start another week from hell. later fuckers.

-e

periodic re-tightening of wing nuts will assure a sturdy product...

so i feel like shit. found out yesterday that i have a lung infection. go me. go figure.
anyways. i haven't been to a single class today (which is bad because friday's are my long days and i really shouldn't miss), and i'm questioning whether or not to even try going to work tonite.
ugh. anyway.
in other news, i have decided that emotions are crap and i think i would be a lot better off without them, so i'm just not going to even bother anymore. it makes life a lot simpler, and that's what i need. i used to not have emotions, and then somewhere along the way someone broke me or something and i haven't been able to get rid of the damn things since. however, i have reached my breaking point, and i think this would be a good time to get rid of them once again. so, from now on, if it can't be rationalized and it's not logical, then it just doesn't exist. it goes along with how i've chosen to label myself lately...i'm religiously agnostic, orientation agnostic, politically agnostic, etc... so why not just make my entire life agnostic? seems to make perfect sense to me. indifference is the key my friends. if you just don't care, then it can't effect you at all.
now given. this will last all of a week, and then something will happen and who the fuck knows, but i like the ideology of it. and dammit, that's all that matters really. i do realize, for those of you still actually reading at this point, that i am just nonsensically rambling and saying absolutely nothing of any importance right now, however, i probably just don't care. see? it works so beautifully. however, my stomach does care that i am sitting up for this long, so i am going to go lie back down now and watch horrible day time t.v.
ta ta

-e

grey days calm my mind...

so, it rained today. yay. it was a good day. i did absolutely nothing. well...nothing of any great importance or anything. i did some laundry, i went through cookbooks and made a shopping list, i played fable for almost three hours, i had some chai-black-and green tea mix that was amazing, and i watched monday nite raw. that's it, that was my day. oh, i called my mom too. i'm a good kid like that.
unfortunately, real life starts back tomorrow, and i must answer to it. that means work at 10:30, and class at 1. i know, not a real big deal or anything, just a pain in the ass. i'm hoping my new glasses come in tomorrow, but i have a feeling it will be wednesday before i see them. oh wow, pun definitely not intended.
so now i have to go to the store with rob so that we actually have food to eat this week. we're trying to start cooking again because it's cheaper and healthier, and i really need to lose some weight. even my mom thinks so, and that's never a good sign. i'm supposed to go to the doctor sometime this week, but i don't see that happening because i have no idea when i would have the time to get over there. meh, maybe next week. no biggie.
anyway. i'm off to go on our late nite grocery shopping spree. have a good week.

-e

R.e.m. - Sad Professor...

If we're talking about love
Then I have to tell you
Dear readers, I'm not sure where I'm headed.
I've gotten lost before.
I've woke up stone drunk
Face down in the floor.

Late afternoon, the house is hot.
I started, I jumped up.
Everyone hates a bore.
Everybody hates a drunk.

This may be a lit invention
Professors muddled in their intent
To try to rope in followers
To float their malcontent.
As for this reader,
I'm already spent.

Late afternoon, the house is hot.
I started, I jumped up.
Everyone hates a sad professor.
I hate where I wound up.

Dear readers, my apologies.
I'm drifting in and out of sleep.
Long silence presents the tragedies
Of love. Not the age. Get afraid.
The surface hazy with attendant thoughts.
A lazy eye metaphor on the rock.

Late afternoon, the house is hot.
I started, I jumped up.
Everyone hates a bore.
Everybody hates a drunk.
Everyone hates a sad professor.
I hate where I wound up.
I hate where I wound up.

update biatches...

so this past week has been hell. here are the highlights:

the good:

• school started, which is good because the sooner it starts is the sooner it ends. i like most of my classes too.
• starbucks has their seasonal drinks back, which means pumpkin spice latte! w00t!
• i didn't have to see gary (the fill in lab manager/my pseudo boss) this week.
• no one i know died.
• it rained early in the week, and is showing signs of doing so again.
• i got paid.
• i bought new clothes.
• i got to hang out with friends.
• i got to hear lupita curse...a lot.

the bad:

• school started, and i like most of my classes except for biology lab. it can kiss my grits.
• while starbucks does have their pumpkin spice latte back, i cannot drink it because it hurts my tummy, and we think i may have an ulcer.
• i did have to work thursday nite, which blew balls.
• somone i know did get hurt.
• it rained, and might rain again, which means my knees have been killing me.
• i got paid, but not in time to get it deposited before the holiday weekend. woohoo.
• i bought new clothes, which means i spent money.
• there's nothing really bad about getting to hang out with friends. except for maybe when they are going through shit that i can't necessarily help with, or when they don't want my help.
• while hearing lupita curse is always entertaining, it sucks that she was as upset and frustrated as she was. i've never heard her get that emphatic with her anger, and it upset me because i care.

everything else:

• i can't say that i really know what the next four months are going to be like, but it should be interesting to say the least. i mentioned above that i might have an ulcer, and if so, it's bound to be totally due to stress. school, work, and life have all been one big mess lately, and while i'm still on track and handling them all fairly well, it has definitely taken a toll on my body and mind.
• work starts for real next week, and classes will be really getting into the swing of things, but until them i plan on enjoying my three day weekend, because it really could not have come at a better time in my opinion.
• now, if i could only find a new hoodie...

hope all is well in the world. that's all for now from me. rob's home with da food. later!

-e