an epiphany...

ok, so it's been awhile. i know that pretty much no one reads this, and so i don't really feel too terrible about not updating it more. in fact, the question, "then why update it at all?" poses itself, and then answer is really quite simple, and is as follows: i don't know really; probably because i can.
there's been a lot going on in my life lately, and i feel the need to vent somewhere. rob's loving ear can only take so much, really. so here i am, and here i vent.

i came to the realization, lately, that i do not know how to be a girl/woman...er, female we'll say. yes, i have tits, and yes, i am completely anatomically a female in all other physical ways...however, i do not feel, nor think, nor really act like one. this is not to say that i feel, act, or think like a male, however. i came to the decision that i don't like gender identification. i don't want to be classified because of my body or my chromosones.
this goes into a deep thought process i was having a few nights back when i realized that i just don't fit in with my friends, family, or people in general. don't get me wrong...i love my friends, and my family (tho i could do without everyone else really), however, there are things that just make me stand out from them. it made me realize that i don't like standing out...i don't like being taller than people, i don't like having a bigger chest than most chicks, i don't like being younger than my boyfriend, i don't like my parents being older than most...and then the deeper stuff, i don't like my beliefs and opinions because they set me apart from others, i don't like dressing uncomfortably, however when i dress for comfort i stand out, i don't like being smart because it makes me stand out from others, etc.
it's all fairly ridiculous stuff really. i think i just have to face the fact that everyone goes through this in their lives. no one really knows who they are, and no one really likes the person they are/have been/will be at some point.i don't necessarily like the person i am right now, tho i don't really know who that is...and i definitely do not like the person that i have been in the past. so, since i can't change the past, and present is quickly becoming part of that past, the only thing i can control is the future. i have the right to make my own decisions, and the ability to change my life if i don't like where it is, or where it's going. so here i go world...here i go.